At the helm

I fronted the band for 15 years. Every Sunday, a different show. That took hours of research, finding new material. In the end, I got that stressed with the fear of failure...I gave it up. I now seem to have got the reserve job of fronting another band. All the old nightmares come flooding back, as I try and find jokes that are not racist or sexist. With Trump in power...it's hard to resist. The audience will come. They will be entertained. They will go home...with no clue of how much time went into it. Today's photo shows a small insight into the work. That's entertainment.

Windy miller

I never thought I would be blogging this sentence...but all power to Trump. He is doing what he said he would. Not like our spineless politicians, who only make promises before election and then conveniently forget about them. In the UK speed bumps are the price we pay for the reckless few. Certain religions now have to pay for the reckless terrorists. Sort your own countrymen out...and all will be well. He says it and then does it. Millions in the UK have signed petition to stop him having a state visit. You sheep...sign a petition to bring council tax down.or petrol prices. Hail the Trump.

Harmonic minor

Figured, that after the accident, that my work rate would drop off? It's not. In fact, I have never been so busy. This has reflected in no time to exercise...and consequently, the weight has crept up on me. When your talking scales say ' only one person at a time please ' you just know that you have to do something about it. So for the first time since my cold, I dragged myself onto my bike. The training gap had obviously made me struggle. But looking at my sports app.. I was quicker? My big downfall is snacking before bed. In from a gig.. a drink...and a couple of peanuts.. that turn into a bag!!!. That all stops now. I even cut my nails and went to a zero in my haircut....and lower myself gently onto the scales. You can't fool technology though. I am over weight and only one person can help...and it ain't San Miguel..sob

Mitchell triplets

Twas a very long day yesterday. One of the services was an hour long and as we sat waiting our call..I observed my fellow bearers. Three out of the four were good adverts for wash and go...or wash and went. I couldn't resist a photo. Thing is, we are all of different ages.. but from tops of head...you couldn't tell younger from older. The 4th bearer had a fine mop of hair, delicately gelled into a trendy fashion. As he didn't fit in, we held him down and shaved it off. Uniformity is a good thing.

Tight trio

I slept like a baby last night. Woke up every hour crying. I knew I had long day ahead of me with 3 funerals in 5 hours. Believe me, that is tight. So under pressure to meet deadlines. Thing is, the first family don't know this and if they decide to stand and talk...you can't hurry them. Bonus side. The first funeral in a modern church....with a cafe...and great stage suitable for the band's I am in. Plus it's warm inside. Unfortunately the last 2 won't be. Blue head syndrome again!

Monkeys

They say, that music can take you to another place. Very true. I was in the pub last night, when a spice girl track came on the jukebox...so I moved to another pub. It's freezing today and it was a burial. My ears were almost dropping off. I wonder if I can buy black ear muffs on eBay. 3 of us are folically challenged and stood together ,we looked like a blue pawn brokers sign!

Grind

It's nearly 2 years now since my accident. The legal wheels turn oh so slowly. I had to give names and addresses of people that know my love of music? I did...and that was November....they are going to start writing to them this week?  I sometimes despair about it all. The solicitor and medical experts are figuring, that my arm will become useless at some point? Then I will play trombone with another appendage...should just make 2Nd position !

During the war

I do hope the day is going to get better. I got up looking forward to fresh brewed coffee from my automatic all singing and dancing machine. The blue light was on signifying that the hot nectar was in the jug. But no....what was in the jug was boiling hot water??? Now you may think, that I forgot to put the coffee in the filter! Nope...the coffee was sitting there as dry as my trombone after a week of no practice? How? I really have no idea...none? I sometimes think the spirits like a laugh at my expense? Good news is...I am now an official old soldier, with the certificate to prove it. Oh joy.

Publish and be damned

Well my letter made it into the paper, but drastically edited. Took all the humour and they actually put things in that I didn't write, which will probably upset some. The basics are still there though, and will await with interest, any feedback I get.. if any. They never even used my photo and figure all they wanted to know, is what this letter writing opinionated nutter looks like!

Stevens

KI know I have not done enough practice this week, to nail tonight's solo..Someone to watch over me. Been so busy with work and catching up with other things. I will wing it, but with the trombone, there is no where to hide. Ok, I can BS jazz and no one would really know. .but a tune everyone knows? I wonder what the biggest musical gaf in the 40s swing band was? Would the musician be sacked on the spot....would the second player be itching to get in their seat. Pretty sure the pressure in top orchestras today must be like that ? I did hear that some top violin players have to take beta blockers to stop the nerves making them shake? Frightening stuff. I will stick to playing wrong notes, then glaring at player next to me pretending it was them :-)

Danger

I didn't know there were two 7.30s in a Saturday. But here I am partaking in a funeral. Very challenging today and everything must be done in slow time to avoid a serious accident. No health and safety executive would be entirely happy, but they know better than to get involved,as no two ways about it, our work can be dangerous and risks have to be taken to ensure the Funeral is completed.

Mug shot

Our in the wilds today, and plenty of time to construct a letter in my head. I haven't written to the papers in years. Not bragging, but I kept winning star letter and to be honest , I was more embarrassed than pleased. Inspired by my dad having a letter published last week, I put pen to paper.. well e mail and fired my thoughts off. An hour later....the editor replies. Can we please have a photo?? They obviously want to know what the nutter looks like, that keeps venting his anger

Fine specimen

Apart from remains of a cold, an achy ankle, a painful shoulder and a dodgy wrist. I am still breathing...After a recent trip to local museum, I was glad they were not stock taking!. I try to keep as fit as I can by walking and cycling. Now walking hurts as an old parachute injury starts to deteriorate. The cycling still dangerous with rogue dogs and pensioners throwing themselves in front of your wheels. So maybe it's time to resort to my home gym. I have a running machine. A stepper machine. A rowing machine. An exercise bike and a weights bench! In fact, I am amazed my ceiling has not collapsed under all the weight. A friend of mine says, that exercise uses up all your designated heart beats. Maybe she is right? May be it's time to sink into pot bellied oblivion. I know many that have...way younger than me. But the exercise bug is powerful..and the guilt when being sedentary...worse. So on with the lycra.

Drained

Very early start this morning...530am!@@. 3 alarms set...but oh no...I turned over and fell asleep again. When I woke...it gave me 10 minutes to wash, shave and drink 5 mugs of coffee. Made it to work on time. A limo had been hired in. Although I got to my place of work ok, within the 30 minutes of switching off...the battery had died. Mad panic as we jump started the poorly battery. I am now sat in car park for next hour...not daring to switch engine off. The cat? My favourite from the cat cafe. Same hairstyle as me.

Mr Ben

Decided to have cultural day by visiting local museum. Great exhibition of old children's programs, which brought back memories and theme tunes. Things like Muffin the Mule, which I am sure brings titters from some more unscrupulous folk!!! Sooty and Sweep...Trumpton....Supercar...  The flower pot men...where again, little weed would mean something different , in this day an age. Oh for the uncomplicated pure days.

Meat pies

Trying to organise a dance in a different part of the county. The pub I am using , was my old stomping ground in the 70s... to be honest, nothing much changed. I called in the other day, to drop posters off. I am convinced, that the bloke slumped over the bar, was the same guy I last saw in 1974. Including the flat cap and ferret poking out from under his jacket...god I hope it was a ferret as I was stroking it.. why was the guy smiling!! Anyway, I digress. The band have no idea what I have let them in for...but there is a scene in the Blues Brothers.. that may give them a clue. Personally I can't wait....I don't do Rawhide...so hope Moocher will suffice.

Apothecary

Ok the words below are not mine, but they are so very true. Last night I was recommended a hot toddy...consisting of hot lemonade...black currant...honey and whisky. I was not sure of the measures.. so guessed at 1 part lemonade.. 1 part currant juice...1 part bee droppings...and 20 part whisky. I had to make three drinks...before I got it right. Cold better...but it would seem I have a resident bass drummer in my head?

Borning

I got man flu...it's something akin to child birth or having a leg amputated without anaesthetic. Girls never understand. I had to chisel my nose open this morning...not nice. Lots of weird dreams ...think I was hallucinating at one point...yes girls get sniffles...but men have para medics on standby....
 Man-Flu is not ‘just a cold’. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of elephants  too.
Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a ‘Mild Girly Sniffle’ – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

Ice say Ice say Ice say

A day I have been dreading...snow and ice. Wouldn't normally bother me...but since the accident , real scared of slipping and breaking wrist again. On top of that, I have come down with the dreaded throat, everyone at work had over Xmas. Sliding out of bed into a cold room this morning, I felt like death warmed up. Stayed confined to limo...and put partition up...ensuring no one else could get it. I was aware that there was a steep hill to negotiate.walking , plus being Friday the 13th....I had contingency plan. Snow shoes. It was also supposed to be family bearers, but due to ice and health and safety issues, we carried. All was going well, until one of my snow shoes fell off mid carry! This made me 1 inch shorter on my left leg...so I looked like hop along Cassidy...as I walked down the aisle? Most embarrassing....but story of my life. It must be cold though... sniffing out a cafe near the church...I bumped into these 2 chaps....good job I carry dog biscuits around with me, as instant friends...although people wonder if my after shave is eu da la chum.?

Mess

My dad, is gradually working his way through his late partners belongings. He found some old photos of me in the Army. The one I am publishing, means I must have had a rough night in the  Bar?. I haven't changed much really.

Tulsa

I had about 24 hours to put a script together for last night's concert. In reality, only an hour, as work has gone ballistic. Turns out, it was one of the best concerts I have ever done..?? I even played well...so double whammy. It depends where my head is as to how well I respond to what's happening around me. Just lately all is very well and I am happy? Unusual for me and not taking for granted. I saw this beautiful floral tribute ...obviously a cat lover and fitting tribute.

Manic

Funeral world has gone mad at the moment. I figure I will be busy for the next few weeks at least. But now I have my all singing and dancing coffee machine, which makes it before I crawl out of my pit. I tried it out this morning...very exciting...I kept getting up every hour to make sure it hadn't turned itself on? Sad...but first thing this morning...the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. Oh the simple things in life. A log fire and the black stuff.

Banksy

I will go to any lengths to advertise Cranberry Flick. So here, in the bearers rest room, we have a CF poster...giving special rates to funeral operatives. I am pigged off though. I visited a pub with a great function room. Sold them the idea of a free concert. Left details for the manager to call me. A week later nothing? If it's a tenancy...they don't seem to care. It can only put beer sales up, so it's in their favour? That's why this country slowly sinking....apathy....it's the motto of England .

Kamikaze

Nursing a sore head after the meeting of musical clans last night. Far too much wobbly juice. But I ticked another item off my bucket list...singing at a karaoke bar. Full.of rather drunk ...well built women...it was a trial by fire. Had them singing along though, prompting one lady to throw herself on stage. So.that's what it might feel like in Take That...scary stuff.

Lost in space

Had to give explicit directions to my old dad, on how to get to a crematorium for a funeral. After many drawn maps and pictures on Google earth...he got there safely. However we didn't cover the journey to the Wake...and he got terribly lost poor chap...luckily there was still a sausage roll and volley ball thing left on the buffet. Being an ex funeral director..he was incensed though ( actually being an.ex Catholic, he has probably been incensed many times)...It was apparent, that the large crucifix in the chapel, can.be removed for non Christian services...as it was put back skew wift.....His...words. it's a bloody Christian country so abide by our rules. .I totally agree. He was attending a funeral of a young chap who lost his life due to an incident taking part in a sport he loved. Before he died, he wrote a poem. It moved me, as so very true. Read, digest and understand.

Snow drops

Middle of winter and out in the middle of the wilds doing a funeral. Bonus though as dogs and cows to keep me company. Cold but happy.  When it's cold, my eyes stream..I look like a professional mourner. It was amazing. One cow was frozen solid...but an old lady came up...touched it...and it walked off. It was Thora Herd.

Highway to hell

Well that's solved that mystery then!!! Living near a busy road can cause dementia??? Obviously millions of pounds spent on research to find out this ground breaking news. Well my dad's partner lived in a quiet road and she got dementia? What's everyone supposed to do then? All move to the country, leaving ghost towns near every major road? It's like when the USA spent billions developing a pen that could write in space? The Russians used a pencil! I think that the scientists that have come up with this astounding fact...May live next to the M25?

The party's over

Back to normality and work. I actually look forward to going to work, as no 2 days are the same. You also meet some lovely people. Whilst having our removal vehicle cleaned, I was chatting to a chap who had just lost his wife. 60 years married?? Astounding. But then the phone rang and we were called to a house removal, which I am sure a similar story lay. Absolute dignity is required, in taking the deceased from their house. Not an easy task in some cases if there are stairs and corners to negotiate. But it is so rewarding when you have done the utmost you can. Yes I love my job...simply because I care.

Church

Suddenly realised I was getting near to 10k in my new car...and it's first service due?? Frightening I didn't know month I bought car...I can't remember what happened yesterday..never mind a year ago!@@. So I drove to the service centre. As I opened the door...my phone bleeped....email.....don't forget your first service is due??? Isn't technology clever. The receptionist was full of cold...so I stood 25 feet away...and used sign language. I was dreading the service cost...but was reminded that I had taken out a 3 year service plan...oh joy of joys...

Never ending story

Glenn's top new year tip. Don't you find, that when you take the chrimbo decorations down, your house looks cold and bare?. With this simple tip, your house will be cosy all year round. Simply....leave the decorations up. There is no law saying that, like a dog, tinsel is for life...not just for Xmas. Cover the tree with cling film...and it makes a great talking point when guests drop in...although the visits may dwindle through the year...especially if you invite them to pull a cracker in July. It worked for me. I now have no visitors. Lovely day for a bike ride...or as a friend said...a bank robbery?

Number one

Well, here we go for another fun filled 365 days? Stayed up until 2 am last night...no idea why. I am now back in my usual coffee shop....figuring I donated over 400 quid last year. So let's start as we mean to go on. My psychic guide Edna, informs me, that it's going to be a trying and unusual year. Can't wait!!!
The photo is from the almost empty pub I frequented last night. They were charging to get in...so hardly anyone went. They let me in free...I have my ways mwaaah