Bogoff

I woke at 6 this morning with the sunlight streaming through my bedroom window and my budgie squawking to be let out of cage. Seeing I didn't go to bed until 2am...I wasn't at my best...so decided to be lazy and have coffee in my pants. Tasted a bit strange...so will use a mug next time. Decided where I could bike to to get more hot black stuff, seeing I had boycotted my old bean establishment, because of constant price hikes. I am currently sat having elevensees in weatherspoons...where I can get 2 mugs of coffee for the same price as 1 from old place...it's a no beaner. Out for a meal last night...fascinated with this picture in restaurant...can anyone else see a dog wearing a German helmet...or was the red wine spiked?

Do little

The last few days have been pretty manic. What with friends funeral, gigs, practice, a house to run and pets to look after...I have hardly had a moment to myself. The budgie is no problem . She has her own key and lets herself in and out. The new hamster sleeps in the day and becomes active at night...a bit like me. The gecko however , hardly ever makes an appearance and hides herself in the foliage. On the rare occasion she comes out, I am stunned on how beautiful she is and how big she has grown. I love my pets and I hope they love me.

St Peter's Swing

I was honoured to conduct the funeral of a fellow musician today. I would like to thank my wonderful employers for guiding me through from start to finish. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous, as I was...and it gave me an insight of what our directors go through every day. I saw his last journey through from start to finish and prepared him for his last performance. I was hurt though, that despite 70 years of entertaining thousands of people, that only a few people turned up. I realise, that some have to go to work and some were on holidays...but some just didn't bother? Very sad. My dad who is 87...turned out to say goodbye, as he knew him from years ago. I said I was nervous before...but my dad then drove me to the wake in his car.....oh my life....I am sure there is a hole in the passenger well, where my imaginary brake was. I need to keep my eye on him. Also proud to share a photo by Nada of Cranberry Flick. Taken in the very room, where my late musician friend performed for many years. RIP mate...save me a seat in the Big Band in Heaven.

Blowing in the wind

Had a long discussion with a little person yesterday..about landing on the moon...was it staged or was it real? After watching the film Capricorn One...I am not so sure. I do believe a few things have been 'staged'  throughout history...with many many cover ups. The shooting of President Kennedy to name but one.There is more going on in our lives than we will ever know...and I believe that some, should keep it that way...whilst some will try and discover the truth.

Sherpa

Felt really off it today...I know why, I have a few things on my mind and boy am I tired. When I feel like this...2 things suffer. The inevitable sleep...and then appetite. After a particularly emotional day.. I had to force myself to eat. How? Well if I had gone home...I probably wouldn't have made anything...so by going to a pub and paying...I have no choice but to consume what's put in front of me. So I ordered the cheapest meal on menu...a small chicken sarnie.? Only when it arrived, it also came with a pair of climbing boots and supplementary oxygen...it was mountainous!!!. Believe me, it was a challenge as my tum and brain rebelled. A minor triumph though, as years ago I would have paid and then left without eating it. So fighting the dogs...I consumed every last bit....and waddled out the pub for the safety of my car. Anxiety is pants....but I now don't let it control me...not anymore.

A wee bite to eat

It's amazing how quick your opinion can change in the shake of a tail!!! Treated myself to lunch today in a pub restaurant. Opted for the hand made fresh turkey cob. I can't give the name of the establishment...but clues are..  hound and small bird that rhymes with fail. Whilst waiting for my moist succulent baguette to arrive, I noticed that the wallpaper was on upside down? My meaty sarnie was served up with a small side salad. Very nice turkey with a hint of something I wasn't sure about. After consuming my own body weight in coffee, I decided to visit the the little boys room before driving home. Only one other person in there...the chef. You can probably guess what happened next. After placing his tackle back in the appropriate place..  he left the khazi....without washing his hands...arghhhhhhh. Will I frequent this health conscious bistro again? Two hopes...bob being one of them. Disgusting...glad I didn't start with pea soup.

Spin

Sometimes ,you get one of those days, where you just want to take it easy. I seem to have a brain full of things I have to do. Challenges that lay ahead all jumbled into one gigantic ball in my bonce. The body can switch off, but the head is like a zanusi washing machine ..on full cycle!! The smallest things can be compounded into gigantic problems...magnified a trillion times...and especially in the middle of the night. The remedy? Empty the tangled drum of washing thoughts as soon as you can. Start with the smallest items if need be...but make space , allowing the bigger things to untangle. The second remedy? Drink lots :-)

One man went to.

Guilt....it's a horrible feeling. There are those that feel guilt for stealing. Those that feel guilt for having an affair. Guilt about missing a birthday or anniversary. But when a friend of mine said, that they were going out to mow the lawn...the seeds of guilt were planted. As I rode down the cycle path in my way to a nice Sunday lunch.....all I could hear was the chugging of lawn mowers....the whine of strimmers  and the sharpening of hedge clippers.   It was too much to bear.  So I ride home, stopping on the way for a tuna sarnie and got my mower out. However I am going to train this little fellow to help me. Living the dream!!! Thanks friend.

Farewell

Emotionally exhausted today. Sat in on the funeral arrangements of a fellow musician. Talking about his life, everyone had tears in their eyes. It's amazing how much you learn about a person when they have gone. How he met his wife at a dance, which led to him joining the band on stage. His service with the RAF. His closeness to his loving family. Undertakers can remain emotionally detached the majority of the time...you have to for you to remain a rock for people. But when it's someone you know.. it's almost impossible. Rest in peace my friend...I promise to make your last gig, as you would have liked it.

Half full

I really don't know what's happening, but in last few weeks, I have been on 4 funerals where the deceased were under 55. This morning on the news, a 44 year old footballer dropped dead in training? All these people led relative healthy lives? So I will still live life to the full as always...what other way is there?

RIP

I woke to the sad news this morning, that a fellow musician had passed on. A stalwart of the big band scene, I had known him for many years. I have lost count of how many musicians I know, that are now playing in the Big Swing Band in the sky. I am very honoured though, to be conducting the funeral and will be by his side all the way through his final journey.

Stoop so low

In days of olde, in time gone by...folk were much shorter...dead ...and alive. Church doors were low...but the umpa lumpa undertakers managed to get through the door, walking upright. Fast forward to today. Even though the church doors are still the same height ...some wise guys have decided to tack on some wood to make them even  lower. So now...the poor undertaker has to walk like pre Neanderthal man...with a 14 stone plus coffin on his shoulders, taking great care not to drag off the 100 pound plus floral tribute, putting undue stress on the spine, I asked a vicar once, why his church door was so low...he said it was Gods will....so not some church council then ??? making it aesthetically pleasing. So if you see 4 hunch backs of Notre dame walking into church...one is probably me. Just call me Esmeralda.

Cheeses

Love hurts
Love scars
Love wounds and marks
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, it holds a lot of rain
Love hurts
Immortal words by the group Nazareth and one of the songs I grew up with. In fact, reminiscing on the tracks of my youth...most were centered around love (aren't all songs? Well apart from Agadoo!! What the hell was that about) I also hung onto every word of I'm not in love by 10cc....and who can forget the haunting Lady in bed....always a strange title I thought. But the fact is, I am a romantic, who believes that true love conquers all. The world will not survive without music...nor will it, without love. So make love while playing trombone.. like Nazareth said ' love hurts' especially in 7th position x

Sean

I had this incredible urge to visit zombie land today. It's where old folk are shuffling around like the undead, pointing at a blade of grass, uttering in a monotone ' ooooh that's nice' Ok it's a garden centre. I was fascinated to observe if a 24 hour closure, would bring more people out of their resting places to browse bagonias....ferret around fuchsia"s and dilly around the daffs. Yup, I wasn't disappointed. I am shoulder to shoulder with shuffling horticulturists....all queuing for their discounted gardeners club roast. I only wanted a coffee and a change of bike route. But I have saved myself 60p a mug after ditching Neroes :-) and I haven't been let down by the entertainment.

Easter peerade

All the best laid plans. I woke and wondered what I could do with myself today. All the shops were shut...shock horror...and all the walking dead centres...sorry I meant garden centers. So checking everything was in working order before I leapt out of bed...I started my exercise routine.  Up..2.3...down 2.3...then the other eye lid. A plan was forming. Visit my dad then off to a country pub somewhere for lunch. Who could guess that an hour later I would be covered in wee and vomit. Once again my army medic skills were brought out of retirement, as we found my dads next door collapsed on floor. A quick call to 999 and then making the casualty comfy. Goodness knows how long she had been down...but I carried out basic first aid and reassurance. It was moments later that I realised my knees were getting wet.  In fact sodden. The ambulance arrived and patient left still breathing. Not wanting to miss out on a Sunday meal..I went to a local pub and found a table amongst the Easter diners. It was warm as a small amount of steam started to rise from my damp knee caps. One by one the diners started to move table. I noticed that soup of the day was chicken !!!  I ordered it. Then changed my mind, it must have been a subliminal thought?..much to the waitresses annoyance.  She shouted into the kitchen ' hold the chicken and make it pea' Now what is that smell ? Happy Easter everyone

Bogey man

Everyone that knows me, is aware of my phobia of cold germs. They know, that I will run a mile at the mere hint, that someone has the sniffles. I wouldn't say that I am expert at spotting the carriers...but I have got it down to a fine degree of expertise. Thing is, when you drive a limo, you have no escape. You can only pray, that no one sits in the front with you. At a funeral a few weeks ago, we pulled up at the house. I counted 7 people, which meant..one of them would ride shotgun with me. I took a quick scan of the mourners, carrying out a quick health check. 6 were fine ..but there they were. The tell tale snot bubble descending from the left nostril. The glowing hooter rubbed raw by the friction of numerous Kleenex tissues. But worse still...the hacking cough. Isn't it strange, that everyone coughs twice? Not once or three times!!! Have a listen next time you are in a public place. All hope was not lost though, I had a 7 to 1 chance, the passer of disease, would sit in the back and I could quarantine myself by the glass panel. But no...staggering towards the limo, leaving behind a paper trail of tissues and halls mentholyptus wrappers, they headed straight for the front seat and I am sure that I noticed a hint of glee as they could now pass on the nose dribbles like the 3rd runner in a relay race. I tried to hold my breath...but it was a 20 minute journey  and as the veins stood out, I had to take a massive breath...just as the surrogate mucus carrier...sneezed...then coughed twice!!! I was doomed from the start. Now looking on e bay for world war 2 gas mask.

Transgender?

Having watched a male hamster give birth to 9 beautiful babies (well the pet shop said it was a male!!) I was moved by the way the mother took care of her offspring. Tender and loving, she gently introduced them to life and all its challenges. It's Easter and a celebration of rebirth. I am not sure of my beliefs..I truly think, that all this can't ,be for nothing. Its far to complex. I also go to church most days because of my work and say the lords prayer...so doing my bit. Going to church doesn't necessarily make me a good person...nor does sitting in my fridge..make me a polar bear !..However, I have one complaint. I truly believe, that on Easter Sunday...all shops should close without exception. Yes corner shops, petrol stations and supermarket outlets. Just one day, to bring back family values. To go out together. Hold hands. Talk. Just one day to appreciate those you love. Time is so short. Love is misunderstood in many cases. The first film that had me in tears as a boy, was Romeo and Juliet. Sobbed my heart out with the intensity of love between 2 people...but interference from others making life so difficult. It still happens today..with prejudice from age to colour to religion. This weekend we should all take a step back and reevaluate life and love and those that mean so much to us, but never have the time to tell them.

House trained

I think I might have taken to much on. In from work...do the washing...do the ironing...clean the budgie...feed the gecko...go shopping...practice trombone....practice bass...Hoover.....dust....and then open a San Miguel...accidentally.  I have to thank Her Majestys Forces  for turning me into a domestic god. I would have made a great husband... maybe!

The only way is....

I am incensed...in fact my censed has never been so in. Braving the cold and wind to cycle the 12 miles for a coffee....they have put the price up again!!@! 10p....10p flipping pence. I am their number 1 customer...I am drinking coffee by the tanker load...to keep the price down. Of course the guy who served me soon defused my anger levels...not....by telling me, that it wasn't the decaff that had gone up....just the coffee??? What the heck does that mean. Everything is going up apart from wages...oh and San Miguel...at least so far....I may have to look for a new Black watering hole. Grrrr

Pouched

Another few weeks and this little chap will be joining my small animal zoo. I am naming him Lance...after my regiment and his courage to survive through adversity and danger...and being the runt of the batch. My time will now be taken up with a gecko and a budgie and a hamster. If anyone looking for a baby hamster as a pet, then please drop me a line.

Going through the change

Health and safety. I once ate at a restaurant that was run by Ella and Sam...or was it Sam and Ella. Today I went for breakfast at my usual Sunday haunt. The chef, asked me what I wanted. He was wearing the super clean blue disposable gloves to delicately pick my chosen morsels from the hot plate. The toast...the black pudding were all picked up by his blue rubbery hand and placed delicately on my plate. Super hygienic chap. Until he took my money with the same gloved hand. Put his hand in till and handed me the change, immediately moving on to the next customer...and picking each juicy morsel out...with his rubbery blue hand !!!

Sisters

I didn't know, that there were two 8 o clocks in a Saturday. Up early to drive on an ex soldiers funeral. Complete with a piper and a bugler for last post and reveille, the gentleman had a great send off. My boss put 2 ex soldiers on this funeral, which was a nice touch. I am starting to realise though, after nearly 2 score years in the business. That the more you give to life...the quicker you go. I really don't know what lessons we are supposed to learn from this. Apart from one. But I ain't changing now. I may just trip up the occasional nun and edge my bets.

Feldman

Two firsts today. 1. Did a double funeral of man and wife. But one was being cremated and the other buried?
And
B. Driving the limo...I suddenly realised...that my right eye was focused on the road in front...yet my left eye was focused on the dashboard.....the cause...my left lens had fallen out. Most embarrassing as the front seat passenger was giving me strange looks as I leared at her with the focused eye...and blinked with the left. She didn't sit in the front again after the funeral. Which is a shame, as I legged it half a mile to find an opticians.

Noah chance

I have a nose for adventure. Today I stumbled on an Animal Farm. It's a bit like walking round Derby city centre, but best not to pet those animals. It was great fun, with lambs, chickens, horses, goats, pigs...and 1 lonely budgie in a cage. I already have a Gecko...and a baby hamster on the way ( no I am not pregnant)...so to have any more pets...would mean me building a small ark. So I walked away. Had a coffee...walked back...and as the baby budgies eyes looked at me pleadingly ( he was a right little pleader...I bought her. I now have 4 mouths to feed. I am setting up a donation site on Go Feed Me.

Rug

Work has dried up drastically. Being in the funeral trade, you just can't hope for work, because that is just wrong. So I went for a drive into the country and stopped at a little quaint tea shop...that sold coffee. It was full of very senior people and I could have dropped some business cards round...and not for the band...but that is even wronger!  Observing my dining colleagues, one chap stood out a mile. He was wearing a syrup...and not a very good one at that. The fascinating thing was, that it was slipping off the back of his head...and none of his dining pals dare mention it. In the army we used to play a tune on trombones as we walked round audience. I have no doubt if this chap was around then, I would have tried to hook it off with my water key!!! It was tempting to go and get my plastic bone and have a go....very tempting.

Shave

After a near miss with a cyclist in my car yesterday, I am so glad I have an on board camera. I have shared it to social media and have already had 1500 views in 24 hours? I hope the mother of the schoolgirl I nearly hit, sees the video and slaps her lucky derriere. An inch closer and she would have been under my car. Without the footage and no witnesses...I would be very lucky to have proved my innocence. Thanks goodness for my personal big brother.

Merrick

Didn't think my lip was up to it last night, but managed to nail Song of India. There is a great scene in the film Excorcist 3. Tommy Dorsey and his orchestra  are playing that very tune, in a heavenly dream sequence. Thing is, Tommy would be spinning in his grave, as I play it un muted!!!. Sorry Mr Dorsey...no one would hear me otherwise....what do you mean that's a good thing ????

Mary Celeste

I have been fronting bands for over 30 years now. In the army it was easy, you just ordered them to dance. In civvy street, its an entirely different ball game. In the first few years, I blamed myself they were not dancing  and used to go home feeling I had failed. But now, after many scars...I know how to work the crowd and juggle the audience, to get them on the floor and keep them there. Bribery works...but if all else fails...bring out the snowball waltz...a winner every time. Add a liberal sprinkling of a barn dance and  okey cokey...and that's what its all about. Happiness is a full dance floor.

Giles

Spending a lot more time reminiscing with my dad these days. He revisited a little village that bought back memories yesterday. His dad, built a caravan, by hand, in a farmer's yard. They used to travel to the farm from derby, every weekend to help him and have a break. Now this farmer insisted, on a full English breakfast every morning, with bread and dripping. A roast dinner...with all the fat on the meat. Ham sandwiches with lashings of butter for supper and fresh creamy milk, straight from the cow. The farmer drank and smoked, working from dawn to dusk. Yesterday, my dad visited his grave. The farmer was 101 when he departed...his wife 100!. See its not what we put in us, it's how we burn it up. Today is also April Fools day. My best joke ever, was sending an official letter to a previous employer, stating that all slow moving vehicles, must now have a yellow flashing light, like tractors etc and these must be fitted to the hearse and limos immediately....yep he fell for it. Nope, I know longer work there.