Shaking Stevens

Drinking copious amounts of coffee, while we wait to play at a Rotary Club. I have a good book. Good company. Plus 4 hours to wait. No green room unfortunately. I hope it goes better than last night, where the intro to my solo was completely cocked up? Leading me to nearly have kittens and after surviving unscathed...throw my rather battered teddy in the corner. I don't like the P word...but all musicians have to do it. It's just disrespectful to play, put your instrument in case...and not get it out again until next concert. Words were said.

Bridal sweet

A beautiful setting..for beautiful bride and groom's. Today I am playing at a Wedding Fayre with the wonderful Cranberry Flick. As the happy couples to be pass by, we play a nice ditty. We thought it prudent not to schedule, The Lady is a Tramp  for the first number !. Don't forget folks. A man is not complete until he is married...then he is finished :-)

Monty python

Life is full of coincidences...if we look for them. An article in the paper grabbed my attention. In normal circumstances I would have glossed over it. But the guy who wrote it...was experiencing the same symptoms as me. Plus he is going through the same tests. Is he worried? No, he treats it with humour and gung ho attitude. So I am doing the same. Thanks to my friends asking if all ok. I am breathing, so all ok. I will explain more as things unfold. It's an unusual one, but then again, I have never been a straight forward human being. I am fascinated, to observe what happens next. But for now, I am laughing and gung hoeing...although the latter is turning heads in my coffee establishment.

Next

So last night I ended up in A and E for 4 hours. Today I am back again. My life has changed that much, that I am not really surprised. Watching the amount of folk going through reception and having to wait up to 4 hours, is no joke. The medical staff, definitely overwhelmed by people. It's sad. But I have nothing but praise for them.

Warts

The best gadget I have ever purchased, is my water spray cat scarer. No more cat poo. Downside? My water bill higher as I am on a meter. Is it the cats fault? Nope. They don't come near my homestead anymore. But for the last month, the detector has gone off at 10.30pm every night. It triggers for at least 20 minutes...using the equivalent of about a million gallons of water...ok, slight exaggeration, but it was winding me up, as I couldn't figure out what was causing it? I actually thought that a few residents from the cemetery across the road, were holding a bbq in my garden? Well it is nearly all Hallows. Last night, I found the culprit. Please meet Bert. A rather smelly prickly little fellow, who obviously enjoys a night time shower. I have left a little towel and bar of soap out for him tonight. Boy he pongs.

Tour de Derby

I start a number of medical tests over the next few days. To take my mind off things, I went for a bike ride. After 4 miles my heart wasn't in it and I was about to call it a day. Just as I was about to turn round, 4 members of a cycle club went past. So I tagged on the end. I have never had such a pleasant ride. Nice pace. Good conversation. Before I knew it, I was at the destination I nearly gave up on. So the answer  is, distraction. Any worries or troubles...just get out and talk. Lovely people who also invited me on next ride. They were impressed with all the gadgets on my bike. It was compared to the consul of the space shuttle. But most importantly, they were impressed with my horn!..Strange old world

Oooops

How to get yourself in trouble. Part 1.
Run 3 blogs. One for the band. One about my life to share. One about my life that is private that tells the whole story, that will go towards a book.Write a post in the private one...but actually it's in the share one. Voila instant grief. Big mistake...and I hold my hands up as to being out of order. Quite a while ago, I messaged I love you...but it went to a male friend by mistake. Surprisingly he replied...I love you to. We are getting married next week. Seriously though. I should have been more careful, but everything I write about day to day happenings is true...it's just that I water it down and compare it to other experiences in the public blog. In the private...I don't name names , but it is my diary to look back on, warts and all. So I profusely apologise for the mistake I made a few weeks ago. Lesson learned. Big time.

Boo

Every year at Halloween, I sit with a zombie mask on, waiting to scare the little  angels who knock at my door, threatening me with chucking a brick through window...unless I give them a snickers or can of special brew. Every year...no one turns up. I might go and threaten some of my neighbours myself. Such fun.

Arms

When I got out the army, I I decided I would take part time work, to try and ease myself into civilian life, but more importantly, try and get better. I failed on both. Instead, I was taken on, as a casual undertaker...I don't mean I turned up in jeans and flip flops, but they rang me when needed. They had 2 other casuals...both in their 70s...both very well off. They didn't need the money...but because the boss was in a secret society..of which they were members, they got the lions share of the work. It used to drive me further into insanity..as they were always in work. Even when their wives were really poorly..and needed them...they would take jobs on. Both wives died. They missed out on precious time together. One guy passed on shortly after. The other...he wanders the streets near his house...dementia setting in..but still.wearing his funeral stripe trousers, still.waiting for the phone to ring. It's tragic...but I saw the outcome before they did..they were driven by money...they forgot everything else. So sad.

Pendulum

Well despite having a few concerns about the old ticker...I am still training. Wearing a training heart rate monitor...it would seem, that I am training a little to intensely. Going above the training rate for my age.? Well at least, with my new camera on bike...if I do peg out mid pedal...it will make great viewing on you tube.

Bugged

Everyone who knows me, knows my fear of people with colds. They usually sneeze and cough over you, with no thought of the consequences. Yesterday, I was at a funeral, when a lady came up to me, holding a scarf to her face. She was carrying flowers....but didn't want to go into the funeral...because she was poorly. I immediately assumed she had a cold...and was being thoughtful by not spreading it. But I was wrong. She had cancer, and had her first dose of chemotherapy the day before . Her doctor said...avoid colds at all costs. So her husband attended the funeral. I explained to her, that he could pick up a bug from.someone...and to use anti bacterial spray and a nasal spray called first defence. She thanked me as she hadn't thought of that. It's only after, that I thought, would she have been so considerate before she was poorly...and had a streaming cold? I doubt it. Colds can kill.

Invictus

I may have written before, that you have to have a sense of humour to be an undertaker. Particularly when young lives are involved. No we don't laugh and joke on a funeral...of course not. But after, when all is complete, it's vital to lift the mood. Today a 40ish person with heart problem. Next week a teenager with an undiagnosed heart problem. Strange, that next week, I am having a monitor fitted to see why I am getting palpatations? Am I scared? No. I have had an exciting life and fought hard. What will be will be. But..the message is...you must...must...make the most of every waking moment. I have worried about so many pointless things in the past. Looking back...they mean nothing. But we are what we are. I love my job, my music, my friends. All in various degrees. But you have to have love in your life. Not money or possessions....just love.

Halloween

Have just driven a round trip of an hour, to do a minutes work. Now sat in a garden centre full of old biddies going ' ooooh that's nice .I am dressed in funeral garb...and no one wants to sit near me. I have the urge to walk up behind someone, put my hand on their shoulder...and say in spooky low voice....' Your next ' finishing with a menacing laugh....am I cruel. The fish? He was at the crem  ...think one of his mates had passed on to the big bowl in the sky.

Gump

Happiness is, a full dance floor. All musicians are happy, when they see people dancing...even if it's a concert. It means people are enjoying themselves. It may take a bit of bribery to get them up....but play it...and they will come.

Best kept secrets

Best laid plans. This morning I set 4 alarms and arranged for two friends to ring me at 6am. Today was my speed awareness course. Be a minute late...and you fail the course and have to pay again. I left the car out as well to save time. Leaving myself 45 minutes to drive 15, I wearily got into my car. Inserted key...and nothing. Kept trying...nothing. Total stress. Knocked on the only neighbours who's lights were on...nothing. Frantic call to my poor old dad...who lives 10 mins away...he jumps into his car with pyjamas and flat cap. I make it with 5 minutes to spare. Dad picks me up after 4 hour course. We check the battery...all ok. He takes the fuse panel off...touches a couple of fuses...and brrrrm....he switches off....I get in...and nothing. In the end I call the breakdown service. Technical guy rings me....within 5 minutes my car purring like a happy moggy. The reason....I am embarrassed to share....in fact....I dare not tell my dad. But I need the word pillock tattooed on my shiny dome. Stress factor nine Mr Sulu..

Chinease

I took a selfie last night while playing..There are not many things I like about my body...but my ever increasing chin, is the worse. But I have no chance...it's the way I blow. I mean look at Louis Armstrong ..plus he had bulging eyes when he played...me...I just have a bulging tummy...actually it's a diaphragmatic muscle...

The names Bond

Coincidence? Only the other day...I thought...hey I have had 1 premium bond since birth in 1823. Never won! This morning, I woke to find an envelope from the postman....strange he put it in my bed?  With a cheque for 25 smackeroons. So I am just thinking....I haven't won the lottery for years....

Monkeys

Saw this today. Reminded me of my childhood. No inside toilet. Middle of winter...paraffin lamp...traipsing through the snow to the khazi. Lots of spiders...your breath freezing....even worse if you had tummy bug. Izal toilet paper...nothing to read....why would you want to sit and read freezing your gonads off. Then the long walk back and into a freezing bed....eeeee it's a wonder I made it this far.

Carrier

Another pants night sleep. How can you go to bed shattered, then be awake most of the night. I have bags under my bags today. It will never be as bad as when I was in the Army and went 5 full nights without sleep. No, I know you won't believe me...but it happened. Still having to get up and look like a smart soldier in complete control. That is my experience of a living nightmare. I listened to a fellow musician last night. They always felt tired on a Wednesday because normally in bed for 10!! We don't finish until.10.30. Wow...I never get to bed before 1am...why? Because I know I won't sleep. Plus, I am at my own creative then. So made myself bike 8 miles and in front of me a steaming mug of coffee...and before anyone says...you drink to much coffee...it's decaffeinated. Did vent some of my frustration on a dog walker this morning though...that cheered me up.

Trigger

Another day and another case of the trots. Something happened today, that's never happened in 19 years as an undertaker. The family in the limo, asked for the radio to be switched on. So as we followed the horses we listened to Radio 1!!!. Made a nice change, but would have preferred Classic Fm.....

Magic box

I played pants last night. No, I don't mean I took my trousers down and blew down the legs, although that would be entertaining. Nope, I mean my lip was like an old piece of over cooked liver...no flexibility. Plus I had a sticky slide ( no not my age)which didn't help on the old vibrato. I waddled my way through Too little time...but not pleased with it. This is despite my new antique chest...crammed full of practice music. Some people get bad day's playing...I get bad months.

Psychopath

So this morning, I decided to do an easy 2 mile bike ride, using a cycle path next to a dual carriage way. Safe as houses...or not. As I hit 12 miles an hour...a woman...sorry but it was....pulls off the main road and across the cycle path in front of me. She is in deep conversation with passenger. My wheel is 12 inches away from her door. When she finally looks round...she does a goldfish impression. I shout..' you didn't even bloody look did you...you didn't even bloody look....and I cycled off..with them both sitting in the car shocked...today I was in a good place...next time...next time.....

Beat it

When I got out the army, I had health issues in abundance. Some still remain. Some went away. Some to return. I now wait the circle of doctors tests to see what is going off. I am not scared. Had it before. My life has changed so much since the accident, so I am not entirely surprised my body is going ' hey what the hells going on' For saying, that after a visit to a medium many years ago, that I would be dead at 37...I have done well. Ok I did interpret what she said into my own destiny. I still don't think I will make 65 ..but intend to live life to the full. I am often asked...what would I like my friends to say, as they look into my coffin. Well ' He's still breathing'  would be lovely. I love my music and I love my friends. That's all that matters.

2 nights on the trot

So today I was asked, why the long face. Well probably because I had my second pants night sleep on the run. Insomnia sucks big time. If I tell anyone, that I had an awful night, invariably the reply will be...oooh I was asleep before my head hit the pillow...and didn't wake until the alarm went off....wtf!!!! That's like saying to.a blind man...that you can see perfectly?? Today demanded the utmost concentration as well...Driving behind a horse drawn hearse. Trying to dodge the little steaming roundabouts, they left behind.One funeral today...from leaving the house until return...7 hours? Plus danger. As we started to lower...the grave started to collapse...if we hadn't have moved...we would have joined the deceased..for a game of cards !!! But I wouldn't change it for the world...the job I mean....but for quality sleep...I would give it all.

Omni cycle

Yesterday, I started to use my old gym equipment in the house again. Wearing a heart monitor, I was surprised in the intensity of effort on a static bike, to actually riding outside. My heart rate monitor was struggling to keep up. I can only put this down, to trying to play x box at the same time as cycling. It takes utmost concentration, I mean, just look at the intensive look on my face, as I try to replace the microphone!!  THe game involves driving and screeching and hitting hair pin bends, I fell off my bike twice. I have to say, landing on my axminster, is a damn sight easier, than the road.

Double points

The world is small. Turns out, that a chap from work, also got caught speeding...although I still argue I wasn't. He too, was offered a Speed Awareness Course. He to booked on line....same time and same day. Although he was trapped a week before me?We are both deliberating if we should take the hearse and wear funeral kit??? I think a day I was dreading, is going to be a day of fun.

Who

Sat in the doctors waiting room. 2 weeks for an appointment...Dr running late....bad traffic on way...panic because don't want to be late!!! Just know he will say, we will just take your blood pressure while your here...argh. A few hours ago, I was sat in a 1940s cafe having posh sardines...peace quiet relaxed...then back to real world...Mother just taken her 9 children in before me. Door handle covered in snot......and god knows what. Come to the doctors and get another disease. Swap your flu for a chest infection  your measles..for mumps......happy days.

Herbie

90 minutes drive today, for 1 minutes  work. It's swings and roundabouts in this job. Last night a lady won a raffle prize during the Band Concert. She was new and first time she had seen the band. She was impressed, that I had kept the chocolate in the fridge at work...until.someone told her...I was an undertaker. Now during, my life, I have suffered chaffing...mainly when I tried a pair of Felix Mayerhoffers  shorts...but I never knew it was caused by a bug...I have heard of ants in the pants...but bugs...eeeew

Spec savers

So this morning, I have a thumping head, a mouth like a yaks carpet slipper and blurry vision. No not a hangover...but after gig slump. In fact I feel that bad, that I spent 3 minutes whistling to a brown cat near the garages....it's only when I got nearer...that I realised, it was my brown hat from last night's gig...and had been out in the elements, after we unloaded car after last night's gig!!@ worrying thing is...I was going to get it some food. Mind you, from start to finish, it was a 6 hour gig. I only drank soda and lime, as I heard San Miguel production couldn't keep up...to be fair though...a friend of mine is also drinking it now. Great gig. Great people. Worth the no alcohol symptoms.

Supplies

They say that 1 in 5 people in the world, are Chinese. Well I know it's not me, my mum or dad, or my sister...and I don't think it's my brother Won Chi. Today's blog, writes itself. Of course, I have sent my bank details, house deeds, National Insurance number and pay pal details, just in case. Oh the luck of this chap, picking me, from the rest of the world...

My name is Lee Kun Ch­o, I work for the min­istry of Housing and ­National Heritage Bur­eau in Shandong Provi­nce of China. I have ­URGENT and discreet b­usiness proposal for ­you that will benefit­ us immensely. I urge­ you to please take a­ few minutes to read ­through my letter. Th­is will intimate you ­with what is intended­.

Before I reveal any ­sensitive information­ it is important I st­ate categorically tha­t this is privilege i­nformation which i am­ about to divulge. I ­will ask that you ple­ase treat it with dis­cretion and confident­iality. Also at this ­stage i humbly apolog­ise for being so dire­ct in my approach.

I am contacting you ­regarding a property ­investment in the Sha­ndong province of Chi­na. Its a block of fl­ats that was sold as ­derelict hence far be­low the actual value.­ Its been renovated a­nd upgraded. This sai­d property was acquir­ed for less than 5 mi­llion dollars. The pr­esent value is way ab­ove 20 million dollar­s. This was all made ­possible by myself an­d 2 other colleagues.

This property was ac­quired using governme­nt insider influence.­ It was also listed a­s investment financed­ with foreign funds. ­This was all to diver­t attention, due to t­he fact that as gover­nment officials we ar­e not allowed to dire­ctly get involved wit­h acquiring such prop­erties due to conflic­t of interest.
 ­
Should you be intere­sted, then I will lik­e to hear from you th­e soonest time possib­le via my contact det­ails above to enable ­me provide you with m­ore details on how we­ are to proceed. I an­ticipate and look for­ward to a successful ­business relationship­ with you.
 ­
Yours faithfully­
Email: ­Lee.Kun.Cho@twxt.com
 ­
 ­
Lee Kun Cho. (Mr)­