Evening all

Ok, it's a fact....if I see something's wrong, I have to put it right. Today I could be done for impersonating a police officer...but I won't...as it's all in the delivery of the words. A car driving up the road. Driver on mobile phone. White mist descends. Car stops. Phone camera in my hand. Open drivers window. Still on phone....now the crafty use of words. In a loud voice...Off Duty Please....why are you driving whilst using phone. Red faced driver replies....I have no reason. Right I say....watch the post..I will be in touch!!  Why do I do these things? Because I have seen the aftermath of drivers using phones whilst driving. Now time to get back on the beat. Warm night...Warm night

RIP Gene Wilder

We are the music makers and the dreamer of dreams.
Nothing more to say. He has his golden ticket now.....

Quasi horns

I just realised this morning...my ears not ringing as much as usual. I have tinnitus...it's permanent...and I have no idea why it started. Ear plugs and acoustic shield helped to protect them...but the damage has been done. The stage set up yesterday was in a long back line, with drums in middle. Ok I was next to drummer, but respectfully reminded him, that the shiny round thing was my head...and not a cymbal. I think if I did a survey of all trombone players in swing bands, that are over 40...then the majority, would have some sort of hearing damage. I only use mine...when someone asks if it's my round..

Rain doesn't stop play

Really enjoyed my blow at Glenn Miller's last departure location. We had to do an extended set, as one of the acts hadnt made it. We followed the Pasadena Roof Orchestra...which just happens to be one of my dads favourite bands. On stage with the band, we had female singer, male singer...backing singers and 8 dancers. In sing sing sing...the drummer moved from the kit at back...and using any object on the way. .played his way to 2 Tom Tom's at front of stage...and back again. Superb memory.  I am so lucky

IOU

Today, I should be on stage with a group I play with. The gig was taken on the understanding ..that if we played at 1..they would give us another gig. However...we played...then spent numerous weeks trying to get paid. When we told them we were not happy at the way we were being treated us.  They dropped us from the 2nd gig. Ok, it's only expenses. But if you total up, what you pay out...then you are out of pocket. This doesn't just happen in the musical world...although luckily their are only a handful of promoters who treat musicians like garbage. It also happens in the Funeral world. I know of numerous companies who are left out of pocket after providing a dignified service.. but then some families ignore the bill completely. Some even think, that the Goverment will pay for it all..including flowers and the wake afterwards. They are shocked when they finally realise, that the hard working tax payer ...only provides a portion of the total funeral charge. So what do they do....they ignore all letters and calls. Leaving the Funeral Director in massive debt. It's disgusting. It's lazy and I have nothing but contempt for these parasites.

B and B

Having fed all 11 geckos today...I feel like I am running a transport cafe for small lizards. I also gave them a shower..and sang to them. This has to be 5 star service. Stopping to buy my own supplies at usual supermarket...the lady at checkout asked me what plans were this weekend. When I told her, that I was playing at the Airfield where Glenn Miller took his last fatal flight, with a 14 piece swing band...she did a goldfish impression. I think folk expect a routine answer like...mowing lawn...reading a book...staying in bed. I forget how exciting my life is compared to others sometimes. 

Maternal eggstincts

Many years ago in the Army I earned beer money by baby sitting in the married quarters. Beer and food and films provided. Next week I will be sitting for 7 babies all at once!..Ok...not the chubby little nappy ones....but I am pampering ( see what I did there) 7 baby geckos...and an egg. Apparently I do not have to sit on this egg...no one does ..they just hatch. I am not sure if I have to slap it's little gecko bum and burp it...but it's mighty exciting non the less. The lady also gave me some fresh laid chicken eggs...I just hope I don't get them confused. !!

The Price of scares

Do you believe in ghosts?. Going to tell you a story about a person who wishes to remain anonymous . A property was purchased that is nearly 2 centuries old. Recently strange, unexplained things have been happening. Paper work blowing off a desk, with no doors or Windows open. A shady figure seen out of corner of eye dressed like Florence Nightingale. But strangest. Whilst sat at desk...a noise was heard..like something had dropped. On searching the floor...an old sixpenny piece was found. I examined the ceiling and surrounding area..but no cracks or holes? I have offered to stay the night with all my ghost hunting equipment...Will see if my offer taken up....instant cure for constipation?

Lettuce spray

Really tired today...so treated myself to a trip round my favourite antique centre and lunch out. It's amazing how you can be buzzing on a gig...then next day you are tired out with the concentration? Well it did involve bass...and trombone...and choreography and singing...well to a fashion. So to put energy back into this poor tired body...I had a vegetarian salad? Confused? Yep me to.

Last Orders

A nice evening out, with fellow musicians last night, in the meeting of the clans. Great banding stories, including, what happened to ' stay in the black and out of the red..you get nothing in this game ,for 2 in a bed..Jim Bowens trumpet' Oh yes, the mystery of musicians. Only the trombones left standing at the end....stalwarts to the end. Next, our first gig at the Risley Park tonight with Cranberry Flick. We have been advertising it for weeks...the pub just shared the event 9 hours before we play? Now where are those headache tablets...

Chipper

Got to bed at 3am after gig. Ok I was home for 1.30, but still buzzing from the gig. What a great bunch of guys and girls in the Memphis Belle Orchestra. Great charts as well. Massive marquee provided for the 1940s dance and with a dj playing swing and jive...a Dean Martin tribute act, plus the 12 piece Band...it was awesome sauce evening for the 500+ people. From 12 to 10 next as I play in Brass Band to a pensioner and his dog.....I love music.

Of the ball.

Have had to bike ride today, even though it's raining. Tonight I play with the famous Memphis Belle Orchestra, and of course I am a tad nervous. I am sure the personnel have changed since the film was made. But the name in itself, is synonymous with the romance and tragedies of World War 2. ( My dad never got the hang of Roman Numerals. He thinks there was a World War eleven !) I probably won't get home until 3am then I have a Brass Band gig, followed by liver damage...as the musical clans meet at a pub to say hello. But you know...I wouldn't change a thing.

Testament to love

Where there's a will....there's ....relatives..If you have a large family, then sorting out financial issues after your demise can be a complicated minefield. I never got on with my dad's partner, so I constructed my will to be split into tiny pieces. It meant, that if I died...then my dad would get a percentage. Then if he passed away...then at least there would not be much that she could inherit. That's all changed now, as she has gawn. So today, me and my dad talked wills...without the aid of an expensive solicitor. With codiciles in place...I now have peace of mind. So my £35.60p can now be shared fairly.

In style

Horse drawn funeral yesterday. Going out in style with two horses pulling the carriage and four horse out riders. A head turner by any standards. Always difficult though, avoiding the mini roundabouts the horses drop in front of limo. What a great day for the roses.

Waggler

I was asked by a good friend the other day...' Why do some bands have conductors and some don't?' Great question. Earlier in the day, they had seen a Brass Band with a stick waver...and then saw me play in a band without one. Fact is, in the majority of cases...a baton basher is not required. Secretly...no one looks at them anyway. As long as someone counts in...most talented musicians can take time changes and ralls just by looking at the principle player and percussion. As one muso once said.  You might as well look at a wall than a wand waver ..! Harsh...but fair.

Grid lock

Stay away from Kingsway retail park....not moved for 2 hours. There is road rage and it's hot and fights are breaking out. Such fun.

Noise abatement society

I officially realise I am.getting old now. A new generation of people have now been created. They are called 'The Inconsiderates' I have always believed Sunday was a day of rest. After a long hard week all I wanted to do was sit quietly and read a book after a gig. But no. We have cars with noisy exhausts that have to be revved 15 times before speeding down the close. We have a neighbour stood on my garage roof yelling at other neighbours because they are having a bonfire and the ash is dropping on the aldi sausages on their bbq. The world revolves around noise now. None of the neighbours dare complain ...but they whinge. I don't mind speaking up for them....But it's about time others grow some danglies....It just puzzles me...what the people think that are disturbing the peace. .but the answer is ..they don't..sad sad world.

Decadent

I am very posh. I insist on drinking my coffee out of the finest china  mugs...and eating my food in beautiful surroundings. So welcome to Nottingham.I am down to play in a park today. A park that has no cafe. I have had to leave my trombone in boot of car. Dangerous in Derby. Lethal in Notts. So all you good folk, sitting down to meat and 9 veg. Spare this poor musician a thought today .

Hail

I spotted a hearse yesterday from a firm I used to work for, many years ago. I suppose it's going in style  in a Roller. But now you can be carried on your final journey, by almost any mode of transport. Horse and carriage. Bus, Tram, JCB, Motorbike and Camper vans. You name it and your Funeral Director should be able to source it. Me? I have changed my mind so many times...and now...I don't care if you stick me in a taxi...I ain't paying the fare x

Wake up

So today's funeral took in, Derbyshire, Leicestershire and Nottinghamshire. As always, what should have been a simple day...had a catch. Two limos back.to reception. I say to the first driver...you get off mate...I will take Funeral Director back. Ok he says. I then reverse out of car park onto narrow street. So does he. Off he goes...and I wait....and I wait...and I....after 15 minutes....I start to get angry... so I abandon limo blocking the street and go into the hotel. I ask one of the mourners....is the Funeral Director here...yes he says in there.....grrrr so back to limo. A little later with stress levels you could boil a cup a soup on.. I go back into.the wake....same chap and I ask again....his reply...oh no he went ages ago...I thought you asked...Is the Funeral in there!!!! The FD had gone in the first car!!! WTF!!! I pride myself on communication...arghhhh..does anyone want a red hot chicken and leek soup?

Bottoms up.

Ok. Today's blog, is not for the faint hearted. If you are offended by bums,bottys or the USA ass...then skip this page. My bowels have always been a medical mystery. From IBS..to the occasional hemorrhoid or two. I have had cameras down my throat and cameras up the Khyber pass...although they could not get there large hose pipe round...as apparently I have a loopy bowel system...oh joy. I also love spicy food like curry or chilli...but if I partake...then I have a bum like a Japanese flag for weeks. So imagine my delight when the NHS sent me a bowel cancer screening test letter. I can opt in..or opt out. For the uninitiated..it involves having a poo...taking a sample...and sending it off in the post...sorry Mr postman...I can't put you through that. I have opted out. I have many reasons...and some may think that I am silly. Maybe....but if I have anything, then I would rather not know...as I have many theories about diagnosis and the effect on the human mind. So for now.  My ass is mine...and ain't no Kodak brownie going within 5 feet of it!!~

Jamaican time

Today I am.on a Caribbean funeral. Where as most funerals last 60-90 minutes....these last 5~6 hours!@@. A hearse and 7 limos through centre of Nottingham takes massive concentration, and after short nights sleep...is doubly hard. You may think this is a police escort? It's not...but motorists think it is. Watching for motorists trying to cut in..red light cameras...yes we go through on red, where possible. My passengers have consumed quite a lot of local brew and are having a whale of a time, leaning out of Windows singing and filming. Yep...a great party send off. ..although being offered a red bull and vodka...I politely declined...but I do need a cold San Miguel....if I ever get home.

Out for a duck

I have a gecko. I love her. I call her Angel. The bit that makes me feel uncomfortable, is ,choosing, which, out of the live food...is sentenced..to death...twice a week. I have wood lice...meal worms...but they don't make a sound....the crickets do.. I had a tub full. They are noisy and that makes it harder to choose...who dies...and who lives. I am not God...if one escapes the spoon of fate...they live...However, the other day...I noticed that my full tub of gecko edibles...was almost empty. Figuring cannibalism...I thought nothing of it. Made my choice easier. However..tonight...after a long day...I sat down with a cold beer. From the kitchen came this strange noise. I went closer...figured it came from my fridge...that desperately needed defrosting...and figured the condenser was working overtime...decided to defrost it. Unplugged and sprayed with De icer...I rejoined San Miguel....5 minutes later...the same noise. As realisation hit me...I realised that I recognised the sound...It was the distress  call of a cricket...or crickets...and my fridge was fine. I shudder as they think that they had a very clever escape committee ..and now ...wait their time...in my kitchen...building strength on discarded chips and toast...waiting...waiting...to get me!@! Arghhh

Part time insomniacs

It's interesting seeing how many people are moaning about poor sleep because of the heat. It's interesting to me, as, at last people have a small insight into what 4 hours sleep does to the rest of your days. I think I have averaged this for the last 23 years. Some days are real bad. But the body adapts. Once the temperature drops, most folk will return to getting their 8 hours kip. Unfortunately, mines for life. But I look at it this way...you get plenty of sleep when your dead!

Chattanooga atchoo

Just lectured the guy who serves me coffee. Full.of cold and serving customers. He said it's ok it's only a cold. So I asked him, if he wanted to give it me? He said ..of course not. I said, well you just coughed in hand then passed me my mug ...you don't think your snotty germs on there then? Erm....you don't think that you may serve someone who is frail and old...who gets your cold but their body can't handle it as well as yours...erm....You don't think that someone with a terminal illness, would like to have their last week's without having further complications ....I left him.crying over the Rocky Road slices....grrrrrr

Cycle path beware

Apparently there is a lot of bike theft in derby at the moment. I use a steel u bar...the type my mate uses on his wallet...but apparently the thieving scum can still saw through them...and never a witness in sight. Shocked, however to see this on the next bike rack....I figure it will be one of the tour de Ireland team? Still sad though and a horrible shock when they get back. Unless this is an expensive wheel and he carries the bike round with him.!!!

5 gold rings

Well I survived the day I had been dreading for years. I only celebrated with one pint. Ok, it was vodka, but I feel fine. I weighted myself naked this morning. Once I stopped laughing, I realised I had put 2lbs on!!! So I need to drink less coffee I figure. News flash from Olympics. Security stopped a man carrying a long object at gates. Excuse me sir, are you a Pole vaulter? The bloke replied yes I am from Poland...how did you know my name was Walter?

Goose Bumps

Well having had two birthdays this week, the dreaded day has finally arrived. I tried to hide the fact, but was sussed this morning at work. Going to keep my head down, do the job and then go into hibernation until it's all over. No drama.

15 Celsius

I hate cottage cheese, I hate motorists that don't indicate. I hate bad manners. I also hate my own birthday? I try and keep it secret and even on facetube it's set at jan1st 1916...not far off actually. But I am puzzled why so many folk are obsessed with age. I once did an interview about trombone playing for a local paper. It took  over 30 mins and at the end the reporter asked me my age. I asked him why? He said that the readers would be interested!@! I said, tell em to mind their own Business.....and refused to give it. So he scrapped the article!. Truth is, I have woke today, to find numerous birthday wishes on Faceagram. It's not my birthday...honestly..age is a number. My number is not up...at least not today. Coffee?

Amp clamp

34 minutes. 34 minutes to set up a whole 7 piece band last night. With the amount of kit we have, this was actually incredible. Superb technical rehearsal and I also discovered a new use for my Bass Amp. The drummer had set up on a lino floor. So every time he hit the bass drum ( I know most call it kick drum..but hey you don't kick.it? ) he kept sliding forwards. In fact, if I hadn't shoved my amp in.front, then he would have had no need to drive home, as he would have slid there. Great night. Great people. Great group. Great music. Downside...no San Miguel !!!!

What a great day for the...

Beauty is but a stone throw from our lives at any one time, if we look close enough. I am not a hornycultarist , but these are growing wild in my street. So I waded through the undergrowth to take this photo. I will now forever confuse the smell  of roses...with the smell of dog poo? How...the only place it was ...how did I get my size 9 in it? Is it lucky? Will an iron and brown paper work.on my shoe?