Reliant

Fifty years ago a movie was released that had children stamping their feet at the Saturday morning matinees at the ABC. We were ABC minors and I still know the words to.our song. Whilst we delighted in Flash Gordon ( today that would just be wrong  since they have drained the innocence out of everything) and cartoons and specially made drama from the Children's  Film Foundation, whilst spending  as much pocket money on sweets as we could. But fifty years ago a film was made from the success  of a long running tv series  WALLOP CRASH BANG...the worst staged fights in the world, that needed on screen text, to convince you of the intensity of the fight. Starting Adam West and Burt Ward. Not many know...but Burt was such a well built chap..that he had to mainly be filmed waist up..because his tights did not leave much to.the imagination. A fact that escaped  me in the innocence of youth...but impresses me today!. The film was that successful...that over Xmas  they didn't have a Santa's grotto...but a bat cave where you got bat milk, bat cookies and Bat man gave you a bat related chrimbo  present. Happy days...I had a bat mask and cape. I would run down our entry and burst into.the street singing the tv theme. A bit sad for a 19 year old...but oh well.

Lurch

As you know, I rarely cycle the roads now, sticking firmly to cycle paths. These to have hidden dangers. Dogs off leads. Children running out of hedges. Discarded bottles . But I have the horn. Yes a horn that is louder than the loudest trumpet concerto  written by rimsky  corsatoff  in Db minor demented. It can be heard from 100yards. I have to wear ear plugs as it's that bloody loud. But not to the family playing doleman go today. Straddling  the whole path we had mum staring at phone..three children staring at Aldi and dad..with ciggie drooping out of corner making a human barrier. I hit my fog horn from a hundred  feet away. No movement.  50 feet...nothing.... 10 feet...not a brain cell stirred ...eyes still firmly fixed on phones and kids asking for sweets. Slowing fast I actually rolled up to the youngest child. I looked at the zombified  father and said politely ' if you could move a little quicker please ' The chap had obviously taken many university courses to secure work. One must have been foreign  languages as he uttered the prose ' F+CK OFF.  My immediate reply was ' Oh wait...I have seen you on.Jeremy Kyle haven't I?' He had no reply...so I cycled into the wilderness actually wondering if I had. As much sense as the discussion I was having with a local councillor  on twatter  last night. Some people only see what is front of their faces.....I need coffee...

Pig of a day

Thought I would take a selfie  this morning as looking forward to going to work. It was a challenging day. All challenges met and kicked into space. Tomorrow  I am trying to be in two places at once. Firstly I am playing at a wedding. Then jumping into car and driving 25 miles to play second part of a concert. My life ain't boring. Having a Twitter battle with a local councillor. Subject ..lunch breaks. If you don't get one he says...breaking employment law. Sergeant Major! Yes corporal. Can I put my gun down and break for din dins. $#$&%$##-- in the middle of a battle %+=++++. Ok one extreme example but I have more and relish the debate to come. unfortunately  politicians have never lived in the real world....and never will.

Soggy soldiers

My day changed completely  today when I got a text last night, just.as I was going to bed ,asking me to where black trousers...I was going to wear jim  jams...but I am eager to please, so changed...it was a tad uncomfortable. Realised when I woke that they meant for work. We usually wear stripes..so it should have given me a clue what area I was going to. I grade it by standard of coffee at office. 1~5..1 being the type  Baldrick  made in the trenches. To 5. Served by a harem of beautiful scantily  clad girls, whilst being fanned by vine leaves and gently fed pharaoh  roches....Today was a 3. My alarm failed to go off...so I was running late, eating my marmite  covered toast in the shower. Leapt into my car...and drove to work. Stopped and went back to put my clothes on. Made it just in time...see what I did with the photo....Every Funeral is different and interesting and poignant. Some people want to talk when you are driving them to the service. Some remain quiet, lost in their own thoughts. Some laugh, sharing the person's memories. Some sob. Whatever the situation, you have to detach yourself from it and not take your work home with you...especially  if your the hearse driver. I love my job.

Ooom pah?

My fellow musos. Please take a look at this photo. To non  musicians, it's just another picture of another band. To us it tells a story. This is Jack White  and his band circa 1940s. What do I see. A very smartly dressed 10 piece plus conductor. A central  microphone. A live broadcast for the BBC. A very thin bass drum. But most of all..I love the brass players using their cases as mute stands. I played my dad a few tracks of the Risley big band. I was awesomyfied  at the great sound. All recorded on a small digital recorder. But we still could not beat the tightness of Jack's band..once again live. The standard musicianship was phenomenal. We get the occasional star in sections today, who make it sound so easy. But the complex arrangements  played live by Mr whites band..blew me away. Felix Mayerhoffer would have known the discipline of musicians in them days. Some of us are just scratching  the surface...but I am still proud to be a musician.

It's not the principle, but the money

After yesterday's adventure with an empty cash machine, I have been trying to get my thirty quid back from the Halifax. Not being a customer didn't help. However  common sense should have prevailed. The assistant  witnessed the machine coughing up fresh air...yet receipt said I had taken money. Had a phone call from customer services. Lots of stories and saying my bank had to sort it. Amazingly the guy said...on top of the 30...when I get it back..they would like to give me an extra £20 for my trouble.!!. Now what would you have done. A. Taken it...Oooh bonus. B. Refused saying you just want the 30 back? Those that know me...Will know the answer. Coffee.

100% proof

21 years we have been playing in the same pub in Derbyshire. I ought to point out, that we have been home between performances. But fact is. This is a proper pub. Traditional and as it should be. It's hanging on through these difficult times, where most pubs are closed and their souls dying. Blame smoking. Blame supermarket prices. Blame 600 channel tv. But this pub has everything. Great food. Real ale. Proper music of course provided by #ockbrookbigband ..plus dog friendly. In fact a chap sat with his dog  inside the pub listening to our music. In the break, I gave him a biscuit...the dog..not the man. But his owner insisted I made him do tricks before I could give it...the dog ..not the man. His tricks included..roll over...spin round and play dead...a lot of work for a wilkos dog treat. There is beauty all around us..every day...in the smallest of experiences...just open your eyes...you will see them.

Sid

Decided to support a local event today. Looks like me and a few others only, which is a shame. So i slithered onto my bike, trying not to fall off and make an asp of myself. Bought a coffee which was cold. That rattled me. Thought I might have puncture as heard hissing sound.  I sang some scales while walking around. Had to undo my belt as it was starting to constrict around waist. Sorry this is a bit boa ring. But i cant be venomous in my blogs 😀

Dob

Spent most of last night, trying to construct a web site, that allows you to submit details of motorists using mobile phones whilst driving. There was one once, but it was overwhelmed with postings of these morons, and was withdrawn. I want to make it specifically for the East Midlands to cut down on being swamped. Its a work in progress. If enough detail..I  intend to forward to local police via twitter. Something has to be done, as folk still not getting the message. As for messages... This arrived in the post. I love the translation from Chinese to English .Coffee?

Plonker

Climbing wall with frustration .Well got my bike back from hospital. Resplendent with new back wheel and the advice that it would work better,  now its not buckled. The cause apparently was going over bumps? Its a mountain bike. I don't know of any smooth mountains? I was then told my handle bar grips back to front. Although i knew this and its easier on my bad wrist..i pleaded ignorance and walked out the repair shop feeling like the village bike idiot.  With a new seat, a new wheel. New tyres..my bike is like Triggers new broom in ofah. Then as locking up bike.. A nice lady told me, how her £2000 bike was stolen, using the very same lock as mine..hmm wonder how much a bus is to derby .coffee

Gaynor

This picture says it all to me. When you think the going is tough. That you cant possibly go on. That the odds against you are stacked and you wont survive... Just keep going. This plant fought to live and grow. No soil. No nutrients. Just the will to live and fight against the odds. Learn from it.

One wheel on my wagon

I have heard of bad hair days...something i am never likely to suffer...but bad bike days!! There are many types of pain...the pain of loss, the pain of child birth, the pain of toothache. But when your bike saddle snaps and the spring twangs your left gonad.. Trust me...that's pain. So new saddle purchased and fitted...and not as comfy as last one. I might as well be sitting on a g string. Set off on long ride....and twang....my back wheel buckles. For saying it has been in a hit and run, its done real well...but now ..with the heat...its given up. So shanks pony on hottest day of the year for me... Cant even claim through solicitor... No work this week either.. Arms for the poor Arms for the poor.

Oars

A Beautiful day. Beautiful company. Beautiful walk. Beautiful lunch. Beautiful paddle. Beautiful memories. Just wish I had a word to describe it.

Peasy

When people ask is it easy to play trombone...i always say yes....if you practice hard. I tell them all the slide positions are written on the slide and you just blow and all the music comes out. I did dislocate jaw first time i played. No one told me i had to blow in the small end.  Most applause is for singers and drummers. People can understand them. They figure.. that they can sing in bath and can also play air drums. Whilst brass and reed just push valves and keys and blow. So i have promised myself, that one day, when fronting, I am going to get a volunteer to sing twinkle twinkle little star...then get them to tap rhythm on a drum...then get them to blow it on my bone! Coffee?

Circles

Last night, I had the pleasure to play at the Royal British Legion Allestree. Whats poignant about this is, over the last 30years, my dad has played there. The 9/12 Royal Lancers Band played there. Finaly the mighty 18 piece Big Band dressed in full USA uniform played there. Last night it was packed to the rafters. Lots of laughs and dancing. Perfect night Perfect memories

Cobblers

I am easily pleased. Little things can mean such a lot. While serving many years in Germany, our only TV channel was BFBS. It didn't start until after tea time and didn't go through the night. They did a great job, trying to draw on popular programmes. Everyone's favourite....Coronation Street. A British institution and if home sick, a life saver. So whats made me happy. Well i am a face booker a blogger and now a twitterer. But today i was tweeted by Beverly Callard and Kate Ford from corrie.  It was in response to the autograph's I collected to pass the time. When I look back...I suppose it was as sad as train spotting...but kept me sane....well almost . Almost surpasses this coffee I am drinking... But not quite.

Wings

Been dying to see if my new door sign works. This morning I sat in my car and watched the Jehovah's witness decend on the close. They knocked on every door...but when they got to mine...they didn't. Eureka! I did invite one in once. Made him coffee. Gave him cake. I sat down and said. ' Now what would you like to tell me?' He looked confused and muttered...' I don't know, I have never got this far before !!! Coffee..

Bearing my soul

When is it legal, to undertake? Well today ,as I am off to be part of the team, to make sure a funeral proceeds with dignity and respect. As a limo driver, I never speak to the mourners in conversation, unless they speak to me first. I have heard sorrow and tears, laughter and mirth and complete silence , while driving mourners to the service. In my years, I have heard discussions about the will! Discussions about funeral fashion, with the common phrase ' Did you see what she was wearing' discussions about the deceased and their life stories. And the silence of total shock and sorrow.  I try not to to listen...but sometimes its unavoidable. When i get out of the limo it all has to be forgotten and i carry on proffesionaly to carry the coffin on its last journey. Every day is an adventure and I am proud to be part of someone's final journey. I have no idea where i am going to today. It could be a city a town a village. Its all part of this fascinating job.

Awakenings

I don't have any of my own words today. I read alot. Some words move me, as they actually say it all. The words below, should be printed, framed and hung in everyone's house.

Pier point

Well now that Brexit is well underway, I wonder if we had a referendum on bringing back capital punishment...how the vote would swing. To be honest, I would vote a firm yes. I don't think hanging has a place in this modern age. Albeit quick.. Its still quite gross. In 1832, there were over 200 crimes that were punishable by death??? Five years later ..only 5!. In 1861..only murder prompted the judge to don his black cap and utter the final words. Hung by the kneck until dead... No...the life extinction penalty should only be for un-doubtable murder...any doubt ..then life imprisonment.... A chance to fight. Pierrepoint never thought capital punishment was a deferent...but we have evolved more since the 1800s...its worth gambling that now.. It would make the bad guys... And gals think .

The street

There is a great story line in corrie at the moment. Its focused on bullying. I think quite alot. I don't sleep well, so have more time to think. When  I do sleep,  I dream. The dreams are always the same. The Army. Or my last place of work. The theme is always the same...escape. I was bullied at school. At one point so severe , that I was stabbed in the back with a compass ( the one with a point and pencil holder). I still remember the guys name but wont publish here. It went on for years, until one day I was on the same bus as him and his mum got on. She proceeded to hug and kiss him and call him my little fluffy angel. He looked at me with defeat in his eyes and I knew the bullying was over. The Army was the same...again no names... But one guy resorted to mental bullying to hide his infidelity and affairs. We all knew. I was bullied by a slamming door campaign when I got my first promotion. Some didn't think I deserved it...I didn't think i deserved it...but they made life hell and my sleep started to suffer. I was bullied as an apprentice... They called it initiation in them days, which involved having your testicles greased and much worse. At work I was bullied by a person who knew they were weak and incapable of doing the job. It was at this point in life I said 'enough' and faced the coward and gave back the truth. They never spoke for two weeks and I knew I had hurt them. I left that job , but still with scars on my soul. Only a few months ago a mature lady came to me for advice. She was being bullied by another female member of staff. There are three ways you can keep your sanity. 1. You take it ,as what don't kill you, will make you stronger. 2. You fight back..not always possible, especially in HMF. 3. You walk away. She opted for number 3 and the difference in her is amazing. There is no shame in self preservation... Although  I always use number 2 rule now and will not tolerate any form of injustice. Lives are lost through bullying. Lives are changed forever with associated medical problems like agoraphobia , Insomnia, Eating disorders and alcohol abuse. Bullies will live amongst us forever....but you can beat them...it may take time...but you will win. My dreams may continue for years...but even in them , I win now.

Oliver

Sorry folks. But today's blog contains the 'C' word. I know most of you don't use it and find it offensive....but it has to be used today.
CONSIDERATION....there ..i shouted it. Every day i meet someone who has never heard of this simple but important word. Be it in shops, cafe's, walking, swimming but most of all ...driving. The photo, shows a magnificent display of limos. Put  a Hearse at the front with coffin and you have a head turning sight. All lights on all vehicles... Can't failed to be seen to what it is. That is, if your a motorcyclist and pillion passenger , who decides to cut in between the cortege and stay there for two miles. Now i can quite proudly say, that i have never let anyone cut in front of me. But what went through these morons heads as they joined us, on someone's final journey. ???? So the C word needs to be used more. C hmm now what else starts with C....Coffee!!!!!

Centurion

Today , my dad showed me a photo I had never seen before. It shows my Grandad astride a horse. He is the gentleman on the right. Part of the artillery division... At the Somme..... Moved me. I remember as a boy being fascinated by my grandads hand. It had no thumb and one finger was only half its normal size. He was with five other soldiers , when a shell exploded above them. My grandad was the only one who survived... Badly wounded he was evacuated to hospital and given an extra 65p a week for injuries sustained. I loved my grandad before. I love him even more now. Rest in peace brave soldier. Proud of you.

Dead certain

Most people that know me, are aware, of my utter contempt and hate , of those that use mobile phones while driving. As an undertaker, I have witnessed the aftermath of utter stupity and its not pretty. So yesterday, whilst travelling in the rear seat of the hearse, I took great satisfaction in snapping this moron. The beauty of it, was his face when he spotted me. I silently mouthed thank you as we drove on. Now this can have three outcomes. 1. He will be watching the post for a summons. 2. He wont risk using phone while driving again, in case number 1 kicks in.
3. He wont give a damn.
I fear it will be C...which stands for cretin. Oooooh coffee begins with C...don't mind if i do .

Lettuce spray

Nice little church gig last night. I did minnie the moocher with congregation joining in the chorus. I told the vicar if he did that song every Sunday instead of hymns, then he would get more in his collection. I had to say three hail Mary's and do ten push ups...a bit harsh? My little friend Angel is now better at me at Grand Theft Auto... She also joined twitter and is following Eddie Lizard.. Coffee

Grand theft Gecko

Please can I play Gecko Lego!!

Ring of fire

I love spicy food. Unfortunately it hates me. Having consumed half a crusty loaf..i suddenly realised it was burning my mouth..looked at packaging... Contains chillies. Ouch now paying. I suffered IBS many years ago. In fact , I joined the Irritable Bowel Amateur Dramatic society during their run of The Sound of Music. I played a Nun and sang..How do you solve a problem like diarrhoea. 4 out of 5 people suffer from the runs..which means 1 actually enjoys it...not me. I was fed up of having a botty like a Japanese flag ?

Bespoke

Tonight, I am fronting the turbo powered Risley Big Band. I am, slightly cheating though. I am using the same jokes i used on Sundays gig and hoping all different people?? No one laughed then, so figure i need to get timing better. A friend of mine in Germany is hopefully visiting the UK this weekend...we will try and meet for coffee. I actually pursuaded him to join the Army....he wants me to try a new German additive in my coffee called Zyanid...sounds nice...i hope its nutty. He sent me a photo off Richard Bransons page...no its not me...honest.. The chairs... Please share the picture of the chairs...for absolutely no reason at all...apart from i just love comfy furnishing.

Valley

Dolls are made for boys and girls to play with. Barbie and Action man. Now, to celebrate National Hug an Undertaker Month, they have just released this new toy. Yep complete with shovel and grave stones. Now i feel loved.

Nine into ten

I think there are some mathematics and statistics behind different types of bands.
Swing bands. Travel miles to play at a dinner dance, where they have been told will play from 9-11 because the 4 course meal will be served real fast...and the speeches real short and only 49 raffle prizes. The band go on at 10.55.
Amateur concert bands. They pay to play.. With sub's and numerous rehearsals for one concert.
Brass bands. Play in all sorts of weather to a man on a bench and a stray dog and try and get as many tunes in as humanly possible.
Pit orchestras. All music teachers..who read technical books in the 600 bars rest before they play a quaver. Then back to book.
Karaoke singers. All have that vibrato you just love.
So anyway...example. Small tent ....10 musos. Drummer out in the elements... I rest my trombone case.

Flat cap

Right exercise done. Check. Dad visited. Check. White shirt ironed. Check. Trombone oiled. Check. Trebje cleff head on. Check.  Ferrets ready. Check. Off ta play with tbrass band eeee by gum.
I am still thinking of the docu drama about Somme last night. Horrific is not a big enough word. Some amoebas want another referendum. Ok, then I want England to play Iceland again...until they win. Grow up.

Mainwaring

As a qualified insomniac.. I have often wondered how soldiers managed to sleep in the trenches... Now you and I know.

https://www.quora.com/What-was-it-like-to-sleep-during-trench-warfare-in-World-War-I

Withdrawal

By midday i have normally consumed my own body weight in black coffee. Today i needed to wake up drink more than most after getting about 3 hours sleep. On a funeral i always scan for coffee shops before we arrive at church. I spotted six. Coffin went in...and off i went , in search of the black nectar that would keep my exhausted body running. First one closed..second closed ..third.....every one shut. Why? Its flipping Ramadan.... I am in Leicester and the largest Indian population in UK. Enjoyed last nights blow with the ambassadors of swing. Lots of sight reading. Titles i had never seen before, including  one about bloodshot eyes !!! . I figure there must be a song about everything out there ?