Winkle

Really tired at the moment? Ok not sleeping well. But then again, I never have. I know many people who are struggling with sleep. It's awful. I often look at people walking around and wonder how they find so much energy? But then, I think, maybe they are a good actor, like me. The more tired I am, the more challenges seem to come my way. Years ago, it would paralyze me. Today, I have a wryly smile  and push through it. I also wonder, that if a human being, needed absolutely no sleep. How long our working day would have to be? Scary isn't it.

Hi ho...

People are getting bigger, of that, there is no doubt. Old churches were not built to take taller people. Often we have to do the Max Wall shuffle, just to get the coffin through the door. If there are flowers on top of coffin, we might as well go in on our knees. Thankfully, the majority of Funeral Directors are seeing sense and allowing the coffin to be wheeled. My colleague who is over 6 foot, would have had great problems , trying to get through this door!!!

Depraved

I have long feared, that this once great country of ours is sinking into a quagmire of low morals and disrespect. But to wake up to the news, that one of my favorite Funeral Directors has been broken into, and a laptop stolen, breaks my heart. A lovely family, caring for others in time of greatest need., and some parasites break in and steal. This morning I am beyond words. We may think that some foreign countries punishments are medieval. But I would willingly volunteer to be this country's new hangman. I would also willingly chop of thieves hands. Enough said.

That sinking feeling

My mother in law once said, that she couldn't wait until I am dead, so she could dance on my grave. That's ok, I am being buried at sea!
Ok I'm not, but it's a fascinating subject. Expensive and lots of rules to adhere to. The body must not be embalmed, be free from infection. The coffin must have certain size holes in it and weighted with steel. There are only 3 areas you can be launched off the boat. These are non trawling areas, so you don't end up in a tin of tuna in someone's sarnie. If you have about 6 grand spare, then go for it. However there are not so many rules about having your ashes scattered at sea. And what people don't see, don't harm them. Just make sure there is not a head wind, otherwise you will go back to your cabin, looking like you have snorted your own body weight in cocaine!

Bike shed

I detest bullies. I was bullied at school mentally and physically. Culminating with being stabbed with a compass point thrown into my back. A friend of mines child is being bullied. It's mainly mental bullying, which in some cases are worse. I still have  Scars on the soul, from my tormentors. I still remember their names and if I saw them today, my anger would still be the same, for what they put me through. They say forgiveness is the best way. I say revenge is sweet.

Read it

A little sad today. I found this poor chap, very close to my car...I hope it wasn't me that sent him to frog heaven?
Storm Doris hit the UK today. Bad day to have done my washing .If anyone finds my y fronts, can I please have them back. Reward.

Baby blues

My mission in life, is to get more men to open up about depression and anxiety. Be it through, talking or writing. I was shocked today after talking to a mate about his pregnant wife. She is struggling with depression. I knew that doctors were hesitant to prescribe prescription drugs, so I suggested St John's Wort...a natural herbal tablet for mild depression...although the term always makes me laugh...mild? However , on googling the herb and pregnancy...it's a no no...why? Because no clinical trials have been conducted!!! Ok, I understand that a baby's health may be compromised...but the consequences of a mother to be with severe depression...does not bear...no pun intended...thinking about? I dread to think how many have taken their own lives? Maybe it's time to start thinking outside the box?

On the beaches

A thoroughly enjoyable night with Cranberry Flick last night. The 2 hour rehearsal flew past. Some technical stuff on bone and bass, including Caravan and Jumpin East of Java. However, I had a lousy nights sleep, with a full Metro Goldwyn dream. Same subject. Travel and loss? Zombie dawn of dead today. But I have survived on 4 hours sleep for 2 decades. If it's good enough for Churchill and Thatcher..who am I to moan?

Beta

Two funerals today. Very civilized as the first church has its own cafe...with coffee on tap. I did notice this sign for the alpha course though...money well spent...or proof reader had day off ?

Wise in Morecomb

I really believe , that a bit of sunlight, tops up our internal solar panels. I have a massive one, on top of my head! Seriously though, some folk use light boxes to try and recreate the sunlight and keep the seasonal disorder at bay. Today, I have managed to complete some niggly little jobs, l have putting off for ages...all because, its milder and I saw the sun. Tonight my outside lights are glowing, so even they are happy. Bring on the sun.

Guts

Two weeks ago, I wrote a review about the cat cafe in Derby. I wasnt going to, but the female manager , sunk her teeth in, when I mentioned my problem on their home page. A simple sorry would have sufficed ...but no, as with all the negative feedback she received , she went for the jugular. So I put a negative review in. I am not advocating that the customer is always right , but a male member of management handled the situation in an adult and professional manner. 14 days on, people are now writing their disgust on the female admin. Will she learn from this? I doubt it. But I will never frequent the moggy establishment again...and will donate my money to other animal charities instead. Job done.

Pat and Ella

I have noticed , that as I get older , my ability to ignore irritating things, gets less. I get so wound up, when people ,live in their own safe world ,and don't care if they annoy others . Take today for example. I decided to go to the cinema. I had saved up the 3000 pounds for my coffee and ticket. I settled down comfy , with no one in front blocking my view. That is , until the trailers started. In walks this big bloke with 2 other people. He plonks himself down in front of me, banging my knees with the partly reclining seat back. Its very reminiscent of a plane journey. The moment you get your in flight meal on your tray, the person in front , reclines their seat and you get the nut cutlet all over your ...well you know. So this guy, not content with bruising my caps...proceeds to wriggle in his seat. The back is now bouncing off me like a small trampolene. I stuck it for 5 minutes and then leaned forward. I placed my right hand on his shoulder and politely inferred , that his seat was broken and he was banging my legs. Without a word, the guy stood up...and...moved to the next row with his family!!! Of course, I then felt guilty ...but then the strange thing happened . The main feature started. They all looked at each other. Stood up ...and walked out??? Yep, they were in wrong movie...which to me, explained his intellect .

Duck and dive

First funeral of two done today. Just done a body swerve as one of the staff sneezed and announced loudly, that they were full of cold. It doesn't  take brains to catch someone's cold. But it does, to avoid them. So found a nice wetherspoons to have lunch and observe the lunch time tipplers. I will spend the rest of the day in quarantine, sat in my limo. unsociable? Yep. Bothered? Nope.

Filled up with tears

I was brought up, to be very careful of money and not to waste it on wine women and song...Ok I failed on 2 of the rules. But do you know what makes my blood boil? No not crematoriums...but petrol pumps. No matter how careful you are, it always goes over by a penny. Not much I hear you cry! Well, if it happens to every motorist in the world, it soon mounts up. I always put in £22...but by the time I go and pay...It's £22.01p??? I figure all the cashier's have a secret switch, that nudges over the digital display as soon as your backs turned? Well last night, I was chuffed with myself, for stopping dead on £21.99. Even if she throws the penny switch, I have won a minor battle. With a gleeful smile, I said ' pump number 8 please' imagining the look of defeat on her face, I nearly passed out when she said...£ 25.60p please!! With indignation in my voice.. I argued on how much I had put in my tank. With a patience born of a saint, she gently told me, that I had put 21.99 litres in. I made my excuses and left.

Snooker

I lost my mum, when I was only 20 years old. I was summoned to the Sergeant Majors office one morning. As I stood to attention at his desk, he was speaking on the phone to someone about a trivial matter. I stood for a few minutes, wondering what on earth I had done wrong. Finally he put the phone down and told me that my mum had died. It was matter of fact to him I think. To be fair, the wheels of the Army admin section, swung into action and rail and travel warrants were issued within the hour. I just had time to pack a bag and get together my dress uniform, which I know my dad would want me to wear at my mum's funeral. With typical Miltary stiff upper lip, I never cried at the funeral. That is, until someone came up and hugged me. I then broke. There is nothing quite like a hug and if the world did it more, then we would live on a much more loving planet.

Pink Floyd

A few days ago, I started a discussion about the overstretched NHS. I have 2 reasons. Firstly, people going to A and E with none emergencies, like a cold or virus. More tropical, that we have too many foreign visitors. The Government are basically saying, that the reason they are overstretched, is too many old people!! Which made me wonder. What would be happening now, if we hadn't had 2 world wars? How overpopulated with grave dodgers would we be now? It was also noted, that the younger people, were shocked, that I dare mention refugees or immigrants? Whilst the older folk, whispered to me, that they totally agreed, but didn't want to comment, as they didn't want to upset anyone? Maybe that's the problem. The UK is frightened, that any comments will be taken as racist. Well, I love all colours creeds and religions. But I also love common sense. Trump is correct. The morons that are dragging Islam through the gutter, have to be tackled hard by their fellow countrymen. If 1 did wrong in the Army...all were punished. The other guys then sorted out the wrong one. It's harsh...but it works.

Raffles

Friends of mine, have recently been burgled. The police got the scrote. CCTV showed him in their garden. However, he got off? Why? Because he wore gloves and no fingerprints in house!! He even admitted to being there. So my question is today...how do defence lawyers sleep at night? The criminals of this country, laugh at our law. They ridicule police officers. They know, that if they drive fast and dangerously, the police will back off, because of health and safety. Me. I would advocate a massive harpoon in front of police car. Ala James Bond.. it shoots out and snares the car in front. Ok, it might kill the driver and passenger. So what? The moment they decided to run from the police.. they gave up all their rights as decent human beings. When cars are caught, the scum still think it's a game..and the police call them 'mate '. It should be law, that they are beaten within an inch of their lives, so the message gets around to the trash...that no more pink fluffy rules. Your going to get hurt...and badly. Even with their 3 brain cells, it will soon sink in. I had the cane at school for doing something wrong. I never did it again. I was smacked around back of legs, trying every body position I knew, to avoid my dad's hand.  I wasn't naughty again...well at least, for that reason. Prison and law are a laughing stock. Civil liberties need amending, drastically. I asked my friend if they knew where culprits lived? But no.  They have rights. It's a good job. Because I have friends. Friends who will teach a lesson, if the price is right.

Crook

So a shoplifter in the UK gets tackled by a security guard. The bottles he is stealing break and the shoplifter dies at the scene. The security guard is arrested on a charge of manslaughter? Is this country really so hung up on civil liberties, health and safety and pink fluffy morals??? Dear God forbid, if there was ever another  world war....the back bone of this country is broken. A risk assessment before going over the top. A claim because of a broken nail on the barbed wire. A flesh wound has reams of no win no fee solicitors running behind you, over no man's...ooops sorry ,no gender biased land. This country shouldn't have a government  ..it should have a Shepherd.

Saddle

So here I sit in the medical outpatients department of the Derbyshire Royal. A new state of the art hospital...that didn't figure, that quite a lot of car parking space was required, when they built it. You could and I have, missed an appointment, because I couldn't park, despite leaving 2 hours before my scheduled time. So as always, I parked a Mile away and walked in. Despite a niggling hamstring and achy ankle, I used shank's pony.  True to form, as I entered the gates of the hospital....dozen of cars frantically trying to find a space. I must admit to gaining a certain amount of satisfaction out of this, but then again, looking around me in the waiting room, many others could have done with the exercise!!!!

Seconds out

I once mentioned, that being an undertaker, can be a dangerous occupation. Never any trouble with the deceased. But feuding families!!!. I have seen fall outs and sulks. Rows about  who sits where in the limo or church. Rows in the back of the car about the will. And I have even witnessed fights!@!. Although I wasn't on the job, friends of mine out in a cortege , were mildly surprised, when a complete stranger started attacking the Hearse, whilst the mourners in the Limo behind, looked on in horror. Rumour has it, that this happy chappy, was later arrested, further up the road. Yep seen it all and no doubt I will again.

Aboriginal

When I was young, I had such a massive inferiority complex, that even someone walking towards me on the pavement, would have me writhing in anxiety. So much so, that when we actually crossed paths, I would be a nervous wreck. This went on for years. But at no time, did I consider any surgical procedure to alter my perception of how ugly I was. Unlike the girl in the news today. She paid for this absolutely ridiculous lip filler...the trout pout look? Thing is, it went wrong and she looked like someone had stitched two large savaloys to her mouth!. Good...mess about with your body like that at your own peril. Nose rings, lip rings eye brow piercings!!   Hair painted in lots of fluorescent colours, looking like an accident in a paint factory.What is the message that they are trying to send out?? Be afraid, be very afraid.

Five go to prison

From my childhood, I have watched the world change in many ways. I fear I have not travelled so well with it? At what point, does the innocence of youth change and become scarred with others ideals? As a young boy, I used to run home from school. Make a massive jam sandwich and rush to my bedroom to dive head first into another adventure of Enid Blytons..The Famous Five. I would live every word and become the 6th member of the cousins. They would never see me. But I lived every second. Tasted every drop of lemonade and sandwich from their picnic. The other night, I finished a rather good ghost story. It was by a children's writer who had branched out into more adult literature. However it still had that tinge of childish adventure. Having finished the book, I wondered what I could read next. Looking through my extensive bookcase of SAS adventure, mountaineering disasters and Victorian hangman stories, I came upon an old famous five book. Laying in bed, I was once again whisked backed to my childhood and escapism that knew no bounds. But as I got further into the books that were so innocent when I was a child...I started to feel more uneasy? Why? Well, there were a few passages in the book, that were not, so called politically correct. I reprint one of the passages below. Innocent writing, that never caused a second glance in the innocence of my youth. What has time and sexual equality done to me? I feel sad.

Cane and able

I used to file my nails...but yesterday I thought...what's the point of keeping them? So I threw them away. Looking through some of my old paper work , I came across one of my old school reports. Despite anyone's thoughts, it was not etched into slate, nor was it written on parchment with a quill, using thee's and thou's! It did however, infer, that I talked too much? Me? Quiet shy me? However I have not improved on geography, nor has my handwriting improved? I was however, voted the most likely schoolboy...to recede!

Achy breaky part

Tired and achy this morning. Tired, because I stayed up to watch a movie. Achy because my right arm is starting to deteriorate. I blame 6th and 7th position. My wrist is at different angle now, so my shoulder is being put into a different position to reach the bowels of the low notes. During the night, it starts to complain. Will it stop me? Not as far as I have breath in my body it won't...but it may mean another op. Seeing that there is no financial help out there, despite paying into to system for decades, I hesitate to be off the road for weeks. So it's pain and gain I am afraid.

Will Scarlett

I don't know many people who love their local councils? To me they. .to put it bluntly.... are robbing bar stewards. The opposite of Robin hood...taking from the poor and giving to the rich. But today they have crossed the line. My dad's partner died almost a year ago. Yesterday he received a letter from the council , saying that he still owed money to the residential home. A year after? Now, my dad has done many things for me as I have grown up. The most important thing he taught me, was to pay bills promptly. He always has. This has upset me more than him...he says he will just pay it so as not to cause a fuss. I am about to cause a fuss. Watch this space .

Michelle

Been to the reptile house to purchase some live food for Angel my gecko. I feel as if I am  playing God deciding who lives and who dies and when. I suppose it's the same in nature. But the sight of my massive hand descending into their home like a fair ground grab...must be awful. Fascinating reptile house though...they have sharks, alligators, bearded dragons and turtles..plus I bumped into this chap having coffee? He must have more time on his hands!

So fah...no good

Typical bloke shopping. I need a new sofa. I see one in a catalogue. I buy it without trying. It arrives. It turns out to look as good as it did in the picture. It turns out to be the most uncomfortable sofa in the world. It has about 3000 cushions that came with it? The only way to relax, is to slide ones bottom to the utmost cushion end  and balance precariously on the edge, laying at and angle of 45 degrees.. to get a decent after tea snooze. If you manage to drop off without dropping off, you wake with neck ache ?  Its supposed to be a 3 seater.. but whoever gets to sit in the middle, falls down the crack between the two cushions, with just their arms and legs sticking out. I want my old one back. Even with the spring sticking in my bum, I could relax on it! On this new one, it is a battle of wills who wins...I would be more relaxed on a bucking Bronco...instead of this Bucking Sofa ( an adjective I have used many times as I slid gracefully onto my Persian rug from pound land)!!!!!

Manning

Another early start and only 4 hours sleep. Certainly found some links that were weak last night. But some will be kept for later use, as got a bigger laugh than I thought ? I was saved by a new joke book arriving in the post. However , they were all risque adult jokes. But with a little tweak and change of words, I think I got away with it.