In one...

Floral tributes are expensive...very expensive. I have always agreed with something I heard a long time ago. If you didn't buy me flowers when I was alive...then I don't want them now. Some of the tributes I have seen in my 18 years as an undertaker, defy belief...and the price. Almost as though  the florist...and I use that word loosely...has just stood and thrown the stalks into the oasis? Then charged an absolute fortune. At the end of the day.. the tribute in most cases, become a tasty snack for all sorts of wildlife...but mainly rabbits. However the care and attention that went into this design, made me stop in my tracks and do a double , followed by a treble, followed by a bullseye...take. Intricate and special. In this case, I am sure the deceased, would have been proud.

Inframy

Lots of people are asking me,if I was in the hearse...when I was caught speeding,.....an emphatic noooooo!. However, I do now have a range of gadgets that warn me if I am a millisecond over speed limit. An old sat nav that shouts out in an American voice ( I think it's Felix"s part time job) if I am speeding. Today's gadget, is a speed camera detector. Good news...it works. Bad news.  It picks up every infra red device going, including automatic doors..and traffic lights...and let's me know in fluent Chinese !!! The best kit I have though, is common sense....something I must have left at home, that fateful day.

Ho ho no

Trust me....it's coming.. we are rehearsing Xmas music in bands and Easter eggs are on sale already!

Rest in price

Mausoleums fascinate me....I always think of John Candy...my comedy idol. He lays at rest in a tomb in the Holy Cross Cemetery in California. I have it in on my bucket list to go.and pay my last respects...however I don't think I will be partaking in my own personal tomb...as prices start at 9k. Lawn mower for me.

Pearls of wisdom

I would have loved to have seen this on stage. 20 years ago, I approached an amateur dramatics company, with the idea of using our big band and their singers and dancers...to depict the Glenn Miller story. We sat round a table...discussed for an hour and they said they would get back to me. 2 decades later and I am still waiting....and now Tommy Steele has pinched the idea....??? I know we could not have performed it as well...but in my mind, it would have been awesome...oh well...maybe I can work on Glenn Miller the sequel...where he is found on a desert island.. playing Too Little Time...for the last 70 years...

Water works

Well today I have played in a tent...and straight on to play in a pub...without passing go...or collecting £200. In fact I have spent loads today. What with £5 for a coffee, of which I needed 2...to entering raffles and putting my hand in tombolas. Will never have the monopoly of making loads of money as a musician...but the sheer pleasure it gives and brings, is more than enough payment. Was mighty impressed with the duo playing at the vintage fayre..they attempted Fanfare for the common man...and nailed it. Music was my first love...and it will be my last.

The Wall

Listening to the radio whilst driving through the autumn night. The presenter asked.   What food do 45% of children ,not know, where it comes from.  Which is awful English...but word for word of the question. The answer surprised me....but then.again, I only just found out where babies come from!!@ really? Oooer. So over to you...what do you think the answer is?

Winnie

With photographic evidence of me breaking the law...I decided to take my own photo to bring a bit of peace to my over stressed body...because even today....something happened to send my stomach into my mouth....driving someone else's limo at 40 mph...in a 50...the abs suddenly came on...and the car skidded to a halt. The cause...a bit of crap in the sensor. Well folks...there is a bit of crap somewhere else now....

Schusmacker

There's bad day's...and there are awfully bad day's. Today is one. On way home last night, I had a strange warning light appear. I had to read my car manual to find out what it meant. Working through thousands of pages...I finally see that it is a tyre pressure light. So gets the car out this morning to go to work....and complete flat tyre. Running late...I started to pump up with bike pump...yes..the pump I use on my bike. 15 minutes later and sweat running off me, I have it fully inflated. Setting off and using back roads, I make it to.work just in time. Tyre still inflated. Returning 4 hours later..Tyre still ok?? Drop in at tyre centre...and there it is...a bloody great screw in middle of tyre. Parting with my wages for that day...I return home...looking forward to relax a little. But no. Now a speeding fine....my first ever....I am gutted...but keeping fingers crossed the speed camera operator didn't know, that most of the road is a 60 not a 40. A long shot...but no way was I doing 47 in a 40...especially as it's uphill!!! A challenge for my little car at best of time.

T for 2

There is a new app out called Olio. If you sign up to it, you are alerted when free food is being given away. Supermarkets that would usually bin stuff, will contact members in the area and see if you want it!! It also allows neighbours...if they have made to much grub, invite you round to fetch it??? You take a photo...and share it...then wait for someone to collect your surplus sausage..your spare spotted dick....your abundance of avocado...I for one, would not dare send a photo of my cooking creations...most of it is nuked or burnt and does not resemble anything distinctly edible. So I am sharing this new app with my old mate Ted Webster...who I am sure, if one day you find yourself with a spare olive or two...he Will be round to collect. I can't see Felix sharing his meat balls though....thank god.

Ring

Sad day today, as I travelled all the way to the other side of Birmingham to attend a friend's funeral. Massive turn out...and quite rightly as he was a well loved man, with great sense of humour. I stood at back...and when everyone left, I asked the FD if I could go behind curtains and touch coffin. Paid my personal respects. On the way up, I stopped for coffee at a driving range, where I met this chap. Coffee and biscuit £1.50. On way home, stopped at services. Coffee and biscuit £6.50.!!!!....you ever seen a grown man cry.

Bustle

Bridget Jones Baby. Me and fifty shades of women. Oh and a coffee. Emotional.

In the toilet

Elton John is coming to Derby next year....well rock my crocodile and blow my candle out. At £80 + a ticket and no less than 16000 seats to be sold...I figure he wouldn't do for 'experience ' or oooh we haven't got a big budget. Fact is, most of the audience, will be so far away, that they will have to watch him on a screen.. so why not stay at home?? Have a take away? 80 smakeroons can buy a lot of kebabs? Well tonight...we are playing for free...as we have every Sunday for last 21 years. Using petrol and buying beer. It costs us to play...as it does most musicians in the real world. Tonight I dedicate my solo to Felix.. my sole reader of meanderings...which reminds me. I went to watch Miranda at Nottingham arena. £46...and yes spent the whole evening watching a screen, whilst this small dot on a stage miles away..told jokes. In fact it could have been anyone? Maybe she was at home with her feet up. The front rows were only for the partially sighted? And it was recorded?? Makes yer think...

Scars

Yesterday was a difficult day. Turns out, that I had over 90 minutes with the psychological expert. Some wounds about the accident, we're definitely opened ,which caught me by surprise. We went through childhood to present day. He was surprised on how much I had done in life. I was surprised about how much I have done in life!!!. Turns out, he was a forensic psychologist?  Which gave me a vivid image, of a dead body on his couch, and him asking ' now Mr Smith, when did you realise you had been murdered?'.... After 90 minutes he told me, that he would be representing me in the claims court...but couldn't give anything away. He also asked me, if I would like CBT....I said...I would prefer BLT...and he threw me out ....

Boom boom boom

So here I wait. In an unknown cafe in Ruddington. Steaming mug of coffee in front of me. 30 minutes to go before, I go in front of a complete stranger for 10 minutes and pour my heart out to him, about my mental state after the accident. 10 minutes to discuss, how my job has changed...how my music has changed...and how my feelings about life have been altered? 10 minutes, so he can write to my solicitor...to give his opinion about my life. Maybe I should go in with two pencils up my nose ...my pants on my head..muttering wibble...like black adder. But know, I will hide a lot, just like I do in real life. Permanently on stage, only letting the mask down in front of friends. Money won't change a thing. Neither will this guy's opinion. I am me. Scarred and scared...but pride of the Army keeps me strong.

Un deux twit

I don't think I have ever taken a journey from A to B , without some sort of detour. For example parachuting...mountain biking...even a simple walk down the beach as a lad, took me to A and E not A to B. In fact, when I finally shuffle off this crazy planet and head towards the big light in the sky....I just know, I will take a wrong turn. Take last night as another example.  I figured I would do a dry run, to find the location of my psychology appointment tomorrow. Prepping my sat nav...I set off on what should have been a 25 minute journey. About 9 miles into the journey, my sat nav...affectionate called Doris   made a strange noise...turned of...turned on again...and put me in the middle of France ??? A short journey, had now turned into 24 hour marathon...stopping only to sample les cargo and frittes.In the end I had to resort to victorian methods...stopping and asking people...luckily, none spoke French.Finally arriving at the correct road....I searched for no 17.  11..13...no number and what should be 17, was in fact...a chip shop. Now I know I was battered in the accident? But what the heck. So cross the road and go into a pub....nice landlord, but very gay  and who was fascinated with my ' I do it in 7 positions t shirt '. But finally, he agreed. His pub was number 6...so odd numbers other side of road. So once again I was back at the chip shop. Resisting the temptation to ask for a bag of scratchings, I asked the chip shop owner.... It seems that the numbers went even to number 14...then to 15??? Sometimes it feels as if I am in the Trueman show,?

Signeture tune

I dread winter. My body clock seems to let me know that it's just round the corner, even on one of the hottest days. My mood is affected definitely by the lack of sun on my top solar panel. Today, biking through the woods and past the river, was like being at my own 5 mile wedding...the confetti,replaced by the fall of autumnal leaves. Its coming and I am prepared for the battle. I have so many things to face in the next few month's. Am I scared? Truth is, I am terrified. Will I win? Time...has the answers. I can only be me and act like a swan..graceful and calm on the outside...but paddling like buggery under the water. The rule of twos has never been more needed. I invented this rule. How to survive a blip. It's a simple rule but extremely hard to master. Anyone in trouble...anxiety or stress. You only have to ask me.

Dogs

I sometimes get, what i call... Negative head.. I don't try to get it... It just runs in the background.. Today has been one of those days... With self doubt and every small problem..as big as k2 with a bit extra on top.... In can affect all sorts of things in every day life... But after all these years, I have learned... Not to fight... But accept.. It doesn't make it any better.. The self doubt is still massive... But it doesn't make it any worse.. So I am quite surprised I got through tonight's solo... Even with the ' what if's' running in the background.. I can't win... But i haven't lost yet..

Couch

As part of my ongoing solicitor claim regarding the hit and run in march, last year.... I now have to see a shrink? They have sent me a form to complete.. Question.... how did things go at your birth?.. Well fine i think... There I was just floating around in a sac, minding my own business... When this great ugly brute of a woman... Grabbed my ears... Pulled me out... And slapped my bum!!!!! Question... How did you feel immediately after the accident? Oh i was so happy.. I took all my clothes off and did a little jig of utmost joy... I don't think me and the psycho, are going to bond?

Remember

Today, I have nothing to say apart from..RIP.

Pointy hat

However, upon tasting coffee,Pope Clement VIII declared that, "This Satan's drink is so delicious that it would be a pity to let the infidels have exclusive use of it." Clementallegedly blessed the bean because it appeared better for the people than alcoholic beverages. 

Well not sure about that...but I certainly have had my fair share of the blessed black stuff. And also the golden nectar. Seems to me, that at the last supper....Jesus turned the water into San Miguel...then it can't be bad for you??? Or did I read that wrong?

Big bang

So the fifth nuclear missile test in North Korea, has taken place,which has the super powers clucking like demented chickens? Should we be worried? Nope. I don't believe any country will actually press the big red button...only seen it done in the film War Games...so maybe the big boys should just get together and play noughts and crosses to sort things out. If there is a God...he must be thinking...what did I start? Maybe that's what it will take...start from the beginning again...just hope that if only 2 people left...that they haven't been on the Jeremy Kyle show.

Sentimental

I went into a world of decadence today. A cafe that had a themed 1940s ambience, including, back to back Tommy Dorsey tracks. I drank coffee out of China cup listening to Song of India. I ate posh sandwiches off China plates humming along to Marie. I could have stayed there all day. Even the toilet was an amazing place....complete with a Gas Mask....hmmm maybe I should get one for mine...especially after some of my cooking experiments. Loved every second of it. Like stepping back in time. A time, although fraught with danger, was less complicated. I once had an idea of opening my own small cafe on the coast. I was going to call it 19 for tea's......and was going to have the staff in army uniform of that period.....maybe one day.

Rabbits in headlights

I feel I have been in the music industry long enough now, to categories certain type of instrumentalists.
With reeds it's 'Where are we?
Trumpets it's ' What time we on?'
Trombone ' Where's the bar? ' let me give you an example. No names mentioned. Recently we did a gig, where the organiser wanted a brand new visual opening. I used Woodchoppers Ball and using the medium of e mail...and numerous verbal instructions...explained it this way. The rhythm section, would already be on stage. On introduction they would start vamping wood. Then the saxs go on, sit down and join rhythm. Once they start the trumpets go on...and join in. Followed by trombones. When all in place...continue on from letter B on direction from named player. Easy? Nah. Rhythm go on...no problem. Saxs go on as rhythm start playing and join in. At this point I look round from my pint at the bar. The flipping trumpets had gone on with saxs and we're looking each other, saying what we doing!!!! So we leg it from the bar...to stage. But to late. The named instrument who is bringing us in at B...seeing the trumpets...think we are on...and counts into continuation phrase. We are still feet from stage...but I still manage to leap on stage casting aspersions at the horns....Your honour...I rest my Trombone case.

Ho ho ho

Brilliant rehearsal with Cranberry Flick last night..Can you believe we are working on chrimbo music!!! Well it's only about 15 weeks until Santa loads his sleigh with tablets phones and x boxes and an orange? I even got to sing with our lovely songstress...ok.she wore ear plugs...but we got through it. Out again tonight with the mighty Risley Big Band. The music season never really ended...bit like football really.

We'll meet again

So this weekend's musical adventures went from entertaining..Fri...150 people..Saturday 700+ people.Sunday..20 people....tonight we are rehearsing so only 7 people! Music is awesome. We have secured Saturday's gig for next year already, which is fantastic. I took loads of photos of this massive weekend of 1940s experience. One photo reminded me of an ancient jokes. A bloke walks into a pub. Landlord says . Do you know you have a steering wheel stuck down the front of your trousers? Yes the bloke replied...it's driving me nuts!...sorry.

Expenses

Today's blog has written itself...please read from bottom up?.

If in your area i can­ earn money with musi­c i'm ready to come :­)

All the best­

Kiril :)­

Sent from my iPhone­

On 04.09.2016, at 17:­28, wrote:­

My dear fellow musici­an. It's a long way t­o.travel for a gig...­we are in England  Be­st of luck for the fu­ture. X

--­
Invictus­

Sunday, 04 September ­2016, 01:28pm +01:00 ­from Kiril

Hello :)­

My name is Kiril Zafi­rov and i'm  trombone­/bass trombone player­.

Right now i'm a bass­ trombone player of B­ulgarian National Rad­io Big Band from 7 ye­ars since now.

 ­

Now i'm bassed in Ess­en - Germany and i wa­s wonderin' is there ­some chance for bass ­trombone audition in ­your big band ?

Blockade

Every time I leave the close...I take my life in my hands. I have no view to my right and have to take a chance every time. The reason they park.on the pavement...wing mirrors? It's a wide road. Thought it was illegal...but according to my local councillor  ..it's not? So I already know of of one crash...going to take severe injury...before the law changes. So this blog is here for prosperity and proof and my protection.

Blood out of a stone

Yesterday, on the local radio, I heard a story about a family camping outside the council house, protesting that they wanted a house. They got it wrong. What they needed to do, was swim.to Calais , secret themselves in a lorry and come back to Dover. Seriously. I took time to study these people. Nice tents. Well fed and most smoking? On the pittance of ESA I claimed, before being found fit to work? I could not afford cigarettes...even if I smoked? Well I did once...up to 40 a day....but will power is all that's required....oh and jumping out of a plane and smashing oneself up. They have moved now...obviously..a few days is all they could manage. At breakfast tv...a bloke...who fathered 15 children....paying for none? Who runs this country? Who can't see what's happening. I am sick of it. The tax payer is being drained to pay for these these...well.....fill your own words in. My fight back...I try and stay under the tax threshold....so I can.deprive at least one skank out of their can of special brew.

Mann

Blinded by the light,
revved up like a deuce,
another runner in the night

Nope, all these years and I still have no idea what the lyrics mean? I do know however, that when I hear the song  ..it takes me straight back to basic training. Including tastes and smells. The taste of a compo breakfast eaten out of a mess tin in the middle of a pine wood in winter. The smells of boot and floor polish...hours spent buffering floors and spit polish and heated spoon to get the boots shiny enough to see face in....or they would be launched out of a top floor window...by a crazed intake sergeant....the bed blocks, squared to perfection...absolutely  pointless ..but a necessary part of gaining pride and discipline. The smell of the oil on an smg. The smell of the locker and pristine layout for inspection. One song can do all that? Yes it can...and much more. Isn't music wonderful.